Posted 2:30 AM by Robert
I've been home from school for one week now, but I'm not sure how much I've accomplished. I unpacked my boxes and I'm almost settled into my room in the basement, and I applied for a delivery job at Domino's Pizza, but I haven't heard back yet. I played in our church softball team's game Thursday night (we won, 6-5), and I went to the DMV today to change the address on my license and register to vote in the upcoming election. Also, I finally got connected to the Internet. It's wireless, and I love it!

I guess I haven't totally wasted this last week. But that's not why I'm writing this entry. No, my reason for this post is a dream I had last night, and it went like this . . .

I was still at school, in the dorm with a bunch of these other guys. We were packing up and getting ready to move out, and I was cleaning my room. My roommate had already left, but for some reason, my first roommate still had all of his stuff on his desk, and I had to pack it up. While I was doing this, a girl who happened to be one of Megan's best friends came into the room, looked around, and left. Then, Megan came into the room, plugged in a vacuum cleaner, and starting vacuuming.

The fact that girl was in my room didn't surprise, as much as the fact that it was Megan. Apparently, it was Open Dorms, and a bunch of girls were in our dorm to help us clean (it was one of these times where you already knew what was going on without being told. You know what I'm talking about). And, for some reason unbeknownst to me, Megan chose to vacuum my room. I actually talked to her, saying hi, and asking her how things were going. I don't remember what her answers were, but somehow I was able to hear her over the sound of the vacuum. The dream ended after that, just like the school year -- without me asking her out.

Just having the dream was strange enough. I really haven't thought that much about Megan since I got home, which is a good thing. And as far as I can tell, this was just a dream, not a subconscious message. I'm not going to pay any more attention to it, unless I have another dream like it tonight. Then I'll assume that God's trying to tell me something.

Posted 3:26 AM by Robert
Here I am, sitting at my computer at 3 in the morning. School is done. I've finished my finals, and all that's left to do is pack up, load my car, and drive home. That means I'm here at LCC for one more day. One more day to talk to Megan. But I won't. Whether or not she likes me (though I think she does), she will be remembered as "the one that got away." It's likely that I won't see her tomorrow; I'm sure she'll be leaving at some point in the afternoon. I've considered e-mailing her at her school address, in case she checks it one more time before our accounts are erased in June. As I said before, the thing I'm most concerned with at this point is just telling her how I feel. But e-mail still seems cheesy. It's in the back of my mind, but I probably won't do it.

There's an old French proverb: "Plus ca change, plus c'est la meme chose" -- "The more things change, the more they stay the same." No matter what, things will be just as they are now. Philadelphia sports teams will always come close to a championship, only to fail. I'll always suffer through heartache and disappointment. I'll always want to say how I feel, but keep it bottled up inside. I'll always want to take a risk and do something bigger than myself, but choose to play it safe and take the easy way out instead. No matter what, I'll always be that person. It's who I am. But I don't want to be that empty shell of a man. I want to be something more.

Lord, I want to be something more. I need to be something more. At this point, I just need a miracle . . .

Posted 2:22 AM by Robert
No, no, I haven't forgotten about this, I've just been lazy. The times when I've wanted to update my blog, I haven't had the time, and when I've had the time, I haven't felt like it. Either I didn't know what to say, or I just didn't want to confront my own thoughts.

I should be in a good mood, but I'm not. Classes ended on Wednesday, and finals begin Monday. I've already taken two of them in class, so I've only got three finals left next week. Besides studying, I basically have nothing to do.

However, I'm kind of bummed out because I won't be seeing the guys in the dorm until next year (then again, I'm sure that the summer won't be long enough). On top of that, my beloved Philadelphia Flyers lost to Tampa Bay, and are losing the Eastern Conference Finals, 2 games to 1. We're so freakin' close to actually winning the Stanley Cup this year, but instead we're going to blow it.

I'm sure by now you're wondering, "What about that girl? Have you talked to her yet?" Come on, we all know the answer to this. No, I haven't talked to Megan. I've spent the last two months being a wuss and not talking to her. Actually, at this point, fear isn't the biggest issue. Of course, I'm still afraid, but the lack of time left in the school year is more of an obstacle.

I shouldn't be afraid to talk to her. As far as I can tell, she might actually like me. A couple weeks ago, one of the other guys in the dorm said that while we were at dinner, she kept staring at me. And I know he wasn't just saying that and pulling my leg. Yet I just can't get up the courage to talk to her. What more motivation could I need? There's a strong possibility that she likes me, and I'm running out of time . . . but I sit here and do nothing about it.

After another week, I'll probably never see her again. At this point, I can deal with not dating her. I'd like to at least be friends with her, and keep in touch through e-mail, or something along those lines. More than anything, I just want her to know that I like her.

When it comes to "love," I have nothing but failure, and it's mostly my own fault. I've only asked out one girl, and the timing was horrible. The timing was also bad with Megan, although, as I look back, I realize that I had all the time in the world, and I wasted it. I'm still wasting it now. But my point is, I'm either afraid to talk, or I have bad timing. I don't think those are qualities that the ladies desire.

I know, I'm whining about it. And I have only myself to blame. I really want to talk to Megan, just for a few minutes. But it would have to be in person. Calling her seems inappropriate, and writing her a letter seems creepy.

I need to go out on a ledge, I need to take a risk. The chance to tell Megan how I feel far outweighs the risk of looking like an idiot, so why can't I act on it?

At first thought, life sucks right now. But I really don't have any room to complain. Compared to most people, I've got it made. I mean, I know things could be worse. My question is, why can't they be better?

Posted 3:13 AM by Robert
Sunday, March 21, 2004, 12:57 AM - If you're reading this, hopefully I've made it. But, if not, then these words are the only account you'll have of this incident. In the last 33 hours, we've suffered through two power outages, the phones are out of service, and had no Internet access. We may be without it until Monday. Tensions are running high. People are at their breaking point. Time stands still. I have seen the edge, and it's a dark, lonely place.

Okay, that's only a half-truth. Our campus did experience a partial power outage Friday afternoon. One of the transformers blew, and some rooms didn't have any electricity. Anything on a surge protector (such as my computer) seemed to be unaffected, and the larger appliances (like microwaves, TVs, refrigerators, and Internet routers) just wouldn't work. Power was eventually restored a few hours later, but until then, most of the campus was dark. It was an eerie, yet beautiful sight. Then, today, they shut off all the electricity from 12 - 2 PM to fix the problem. That meant no lunch in the cafeteria, so I went out with a couple of friends to Cracker Barrel. But there's still no Internet or phone service, so I'm typing this Saturday night and saving it until I can publish it (note: the Internet was up again by Sunday afternoon). As a result of all this, things have been kind of interesting, but for the most part, this week has, well, sucked.

No, it's true. The highlight of my week has been finding a dead mouse in my room Monday night (it was a highlight because I finally found what was causing the smell). But my week really has sucked. I've been pretty miserable, stemming from the opening line of my last post. That's right - I've fallen for a girl I don't have a chance with. But before I tell you about it, I need to wrap up the past.

The other girl that I used to go on and on about - remember how I felt like I couldn't even bring myself to type her name? Well, to be honest, I'm over her, so now it's no trouble for me to tell you that her name is Jeni McLaughlin. She's a freshman from Mason City, which is about 20 miles south of Lincoln. She's a business major, and she was on the LCC volleyball team this year. In fact, if you go to www.lccs.edu/athletics, select volleyball, and click on the 2003 roster/profiles, you can look at the profiles for everyone on the team and see her picture. I think she's a nice person, but she's just not my type (I know some of you won't believe me, but I'm really not attracted to her anymore). Indeed, there's another girl who has caught my eye. Her name is Megan, and she was on my Week of E trip last week.

Here's the thing you've got to know about this: she's been in a few of my classes these past two semesters, but I never really talked to her. For a while, I had the crazy idea that she might have a crush on me. Nothing too convincing, just smiling at each other once or twice, and making eye contact on occasion, such as in class or at our Week of E meetings. I know, it's ridiculous, which is why I never acted on it. So I didn't think much about her being on this trip, just, "Hey, maybe she likes me." But, throughout the trip, as I spent time around her, listened to her talk, and got to know her better, I couldn't help but feel a certain way.

Now, here's the other thing you need to know: remember before, when I was talking about Jeni, and I said that I was more interested in having her like me than I was in liking her? I wanted the relationship more than I actually wanted the person. But, with Megan, it was completely different. I started off with the possibility that she might have liked me, and whether or not she did, I ended up liking her. I spent part of the week trying to figure out if she actually did like me (don't get me wrong, that didn't take priority over my service to the Lord), and I've concluded two things. First, I don't know if she likes me (I know, it would be a lot easier if I would just ask her). Second, it doesn't matter. I mean, it matters to some extent. But, in a way, it doesn't matter how she feels, because I know how I feel, and I know that I want the person, not just the relationship.

But, like I said before, there would be no future to that relationship, and I'm not just saying that. The first night of our trip, on our way to Naperville, we were all in the van talking, and she said that she's transferring to Ozark Christian College next year. And she's going to be working at a camp all summer, so I don't think she'd be interested in a relationship that's only going to last two months. But here's the kicker: just a few days before this trip, I was thinking to myself that, even though I've never had a real girlfriend, I'm starting to approach an age where, why would I want to be with anybody that I'm not going to spend the rest of my life with? I mean, I'm almost 20, why go through a bunch of messy break-ups? I'm not saying I want to marry the first girl that comes along, but why can't that first girl also be the right girl?

So, having come to this conclusion, and knowing that Megan will be gone at the end of this year, I fell for her anyway. I honestly believe God was slapping me across the head with a valuable lesson: love (for lack of a better term) does not know the restraints of time or geography. Where a person will be in the future doesn't change the way you feel about them now.

On top of that, I'm not quite sure if she likes me. Maybe there's reason to believe that she does, but I've never been good at "picking up signals." And it's mostly little things that are probably just in my head. For example, sometimes I would catch her looking, sometimes staring, at me (of course, that's because I was looking at her), but she wouldn't look that way at anyone else. There's also the way she said, "Goodnight Robert," when I was dropped off at my host house on Sunday night. Or the time that three of us were standing around, and even though she was talking about the other person, she was looking right at me the whole time. And on Thursday, when we were in the city, we were going up and down a lot of escalators, and just to be funny, I took the stairs and walked right alongside the group. Everybody chuckled, but Megan kept smiling at me. In fact, that same day, six of us went for a ride on the metro (which, as I previously mentioned, is the subway system in Montreal). We decided to ride it until the end of the line, switch tracks, and ride back to the station. As we stood on the platform and tried to figure out where to go, I turned around, and she was literally standing right behind me. She was so close that I almost stepped on her foot. There were also a couple other times later in the week that, when she walked past me, she would brush up next to me, even though there was plenty of room. And I know there was plenty of room, because nobody else would walk near me.

Also, when we were back in Chicago Saturday night, and we ate at Wendy's, we were the last two people in line. As it bended around the corner in front of the register, I stood off to the side so that she could go ahead of me. After she ordered, as she stood there waiting for her food, she looked at me and said with a smile, "I'm sorry, Robert." To which I replied, "Oh, no, I let you go ahead of me," and then I smiled. And she just stood there and smiled, and kept looking at me.

I know, I know, I could solve all of this by just talking to her. And believe me, I want to. I felt like I couldn't approach Jeni, like was I afraid of her. But I actually feel like I can talk to Megan. It's still hard, especially when I know how I feel, and I don't know how she feels. If all this has taught me anything, it's this: not to look for some sort of sign from God (which I did before), and to be persistent in prayer, as I try to figure out what to do. I'm not looking for some sort of deep, involved relationship, but I really want to get to know her, and at least be friends with her. I know I just need to talk to her.

Easier said than done. It sounds crazy, but it almost feels like God Himself is making sure we don't end up together. I'd like to think that I felt some sort of connection between Megan and I - maybe I'm just making something out of nothing because that's how I want it - but, at times, it seemed like something would happen that kept us from talking or being near each other, like there was some sort of interference. Believe me, I'm not using this as an excuse. In fact, I'm probably just imagining all of this and projecting it, but I don't know what to do. I've always believed that it really is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. But what's the point of starting a relationship that will only last two months? The only reason I have to act on these feelings is because I want to, and it's pointless if she doesn't feel the same way in return. And even if she does, she may not want to get involved in anything.

At the same time, it's like I'm putting God in a box. If something did happen between us, who's to say that it wouldn't last longer than two months? I don't want to hide behind "God's plan," but I'm not sure what to do now. I don't want to sit around and wait, I don't want to be afraid. I need to trust God, and at some point, I need to take action. But where is that point?

I'm sorry, I know this has been another long post. If you have any thoughts or suggestions for me, or if you want to yell at me for being an idiot, feel free to e-mail me or IM me (if you're reading this, I assume you know my address and screen name). I have no other way to end this post than with a song that's been stuck in my head. In fact, I mentioned it in of my very first entries. It's not completely relevant, but the first part of it seems to fit:

"There's a girl, right next to you
And she's just waiting for something to do.
And there's a rose in a fisted glove,
And the eagle flies with the dove.
And if you can't be with the one you love,
Love the one you're with."
-Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young

Posted 1:42 AM by Robert
It's happened again. I've fallen for a girl with whom I have no future.

I'm going to leave you in suspense for a while with that. For this post, I'm going focus on my trip to Canada. I had a great time, and I kind of wish it didn't end.

The journey got off to a great start. Before we left the school, I found out that the church we were going to stay at Friday night was none other than my home church of Naperville Christian Church. It was quite a pleasant surprise -- it's not like I was scared or worried, but it just felt like God was saying, "Relax, I've got this under control. I'm taking care of you." After the two hour drive, we arrived at the church around 8:30 PM, and I got to meet the new youth minister and see a bunch of my friends (you people know who you are). Those of us who didn't go to bed super-early played a card game, and then turned in around 10:30 PM. That's probably the earliest I've gone to sleep in the last 5 years, but we had to wake up at 5 AM. Saturday morning, we went from the church to O'Hare, and after circling the airport 3 times because we kept missing the terminal, we finally made it. Our plane left at 9:10 AM, and we arrived in Montreal around noon eastern time. Getting through customs was relatively easy, but it took us over an hour to find the car rental agency and the person who was picking us up (we needed two vehicles, but we were able to rent only one). After getting a bite to eat at Wendy's (the ones in Canada give you 6 nuggets instead of 5), we headed over to Station 7, a drop-in center for teens in the suburb of Chateauguay. It's a really cool concept -- a place for teenagers to just hang out, listen to music, play pool, air hockey, or board games, and just be with people who care about them. The people who manage it, Teddy and Linda Hoare (Teddy's the one that met us at the airport), are very godly people, and they don't necessarily preach at the kids who come to the Station, but they will talk to them and use it as tool to invite them to church. They're amazing people who have a huge heart for people, specifically youth.

We were taken to the homes we'd be staying at to drop off our luggage, and then we relaxed at the Station for a couple of hours, before the kids started coming at 7 PM, and spent the rest of the night hanging out with them. You wouldn't think that Canada is that bad, but the town of Chateauguay is a very dark community -- in some ways, Satan himself has a tight grip on the area. There are only two churches of Christ in the whole province of Quebec, and for the one we went to on Sunday (which was a baptist church), 150 people at a service was a lot. By comparison, my home church averages close to 300 people on Sundays, and that's less than other churches in the area. The kids come from unloving homes, which leads them to look for affection in other places. As a result, Teddy and Linda opened a crisis pregnancy center at the Station called Options. The whole ministry that they have is awesome, and the town certainly needs it.

Most of the kids in Chateauguay are into punk music, and their fashion matches it. The general style reminds me of what I saw here in the States during my junior and senior years in high school. Almost everyone I met had dyed their hair, and something besides their ears pierced (I'm not saying that's bad, I'm just trying to paint a picture). And the smoking -- seriously, everybody smokes, including some of the kids. The only people who didn't smoke were Teddy and Linda, and our host families. Even though the area is predominantly French, English seemed to be the language of choice. Most of the people could speak both, but they appeared to be more fluent in English. All the street signs, stores, and food labels were in French, but you wouldn't hear it very often, at least not in casual conversation. I was amazed to hear the kids talk about how much they hated French -- it was one of the few times I've heard someone promote the English language. Sometimes, it was easy to forget that you weren't in America.

Saturday was a long and tiring day for us, but after the kids went home at 11 PM, we were able to go back to our host homes. I stayed with a family of four, including two boys, whose ages I think were 13 and 11, or something like that. I know, it sounds terrible, because I don't know their ages. But I got to know the whole family, and I really enjoyed staying with them. And they loved having me. I thought I'd be nervous about being with people I didn't know, but I was comfortable the whole time. All in all, it was a very positive experience. Sunday morning, we got up and went to church, where our group, in teams of two, led the Sunday school classes. I taught the high school group with the only other guy on the trip, Tim, and discussed the story of Joseph, who was sold into slavery but later became the second most powerful man in Egypt. During the church service, which was completely led by Teddy, Linda, and all the teens, we sang two songs ("Open the Eyes of my Heart" and "Shout to the Lord"). After that, we went back to the Station for what they called the "Sleepyhead Service." It's kind of like church, but for kids who just don't want to get up that early. We ate hot dogs, played some games, and then watched part of a video called "Quest," in which a guy talks to various people on the streets, asking them questions (i.e., what was so significant about Jesus dying on the cross), and then explains it. We had the night to ourselves, so we stayed at the Station, ordered a pizza, and rented "Finding Nemo" (which I enjoyed).

Since I haven't said anything yet, allow me to mention this now: there was a total of 10 people on this trip, and only 2 of us were guys. Our leader was Julie Jackson, who had been to Chateauguay before on her internship, so she knew Teddy, Linda, and most of the kids pretty well. Her husband, Michael, who had also been there for his internship, couldn't make it, so his mother, Janet, came along as well (if you're wondering, yes, that would make them Michael and Janet Jackson). Then there was me, Tim, and six other girls. Nice odds, indeed.

We spent Monday cleaning up the Station and repainting one of the rooms. It was hard work, but I loved it -- it was a reminder what happens when God's people come together and work in service to Him. Then we went food shopping, ate dinner back at the Station, and then went to Teddy and Linda's house to watch a DVD of Julie's wedding (her and Michael were only engaged when they were working there last year, so everyone was excited to see the wedding, which was pretty recent). Did you know that in Canada, they have milk in bags? I know this seems out of place, but I just mentioned that we went food shopping, so this seemed like a good place to talk about it. I think they also sold it in plastic cartons, but nobody seemed to use them. Apparently, you would cut the corner off a bag, place it in a pitcher specfically designed to hold the bag, and then keep the whole unit in the refrigerator. I'm sorry, but that just seems so inefficient. And liquids in a bag? They didn't have any other liquids in a bag. If we start putting milk in a bag, where do we draw the line? Where does the madness end? Seriously!!! Where's the logic? Liquids go in solids!!!

Moving right along . . . we went to an area of Montreal called West Island on Tuesday (in fact, all of Montreal is an island), where we helped with the renovation of an old church building. The Montreal chapter of Youth for Christ had bought the building and was converting it to a youth center. That night, some members of our group taught Kings Club, which consisted of 3-9 year olds, and the rest of us did what we could to help out. Afterwards, we ate at Wendy's, and then spent time with our host families. I got home just in time to catch the last half-hour of Smallville, which was kind of cool, because it was the same episode I had seen the week before. After that, we played Monopoly until 10:30, and a good time was had by all of five of us. On Wednesday, we went to the Station to sit in on a meeting for Options. That afternoon, we did some more work at the Station, including a second coat of paint. Following dinner, the girls went to a weekly Bible study, and the two guys went to a prayer meeting at the church. Again, I got home early, but everyone was either out or asleep, except for my host dad, so I watched TV. Even in Canada, most of the shows I saw were American, including "The King of Queens," "Scrubs," and "M*A*S*H."

Thursday was spent touring Montreal. We visited some of the Catholic churches, which were simply breathtaking from an artistic and architectual standpoint. But it was quite intriguing to watch the people as they lit various candles, went through their rituals, and prayed to different saints. They were honestly seeking God, but their were so many obstacles in their way. All the churches we visited had a museum and gift shop attached to them -- it was almost as if they were trying to sell salvation, in the form of crosses, rosary beads, and tiny statues. I'm not trying to condemn them, but it was a shame to see such a misguided view of the Christian faith. However, the rest of our visit to Montreal was enjoyable. Despite the ridiculous traffic, we viewed the city from Mount Royal, drove past the Forum (the hockey arena where the Canadiens used to play), and the Bell Centre (where they play now). We also ate at a restaurant called Movenpick -- a buffet while you wait, if you will -- where my dad and I ate when we visited Montreal 3 years ago. After that, we walked through part of Montreal's complex and intricate system of underground shops. It's a like a giant mall, spread out underneath the city. Some of us took a ride on the metro, which is their subway system, and then we went to Old Montreal and bought some souvenirs. Thursday night, we taught the Young Peoples group (ages 9-13), for which I gave the lesson. Then we went back to the Station to hang out with some of the kids that we had gotten to know from the previous Saturday night.

On Friday, we cooked breakfast at the Station, then finished cleaning. We went out to the mall, and picked up some supplies for the Station, like cleaning products and towels. Before spending Friday night at the Station with the kids, our group went to one of the church members' house for tea and cookies, after which we prepared dinner for the staff at the Station. We went out for breakfast Saturday morning, packed up and said goodbye to our host families, had lunch at the Station, and then left for the airport. Customs was actually more complicated to return to the States, but we all made it through. Our flight left at 5:30 PM, and we returned to Chicago at 7:30 central time. Julie's husband, Michael, picked us up, and we eventually stopped for dinner at Wendy's yet again (if you're reading this Tim, it was the Wendy's on route 53, by your house, just so you know). It was a nice, quick, rainy drive home, and we got back to the campus at 10:30 PM.

So that was my trip to Canada. It really didn't go that fast, which was nice, because I had a blast. By the end of the week, I'd say I was ready to leave, but I didn't want to come back to school, partly because I didn't want to do homework again, but mainly because I really enjoyed being around the people in our group. But there will be more about that in my next post . . .

Posted 4:35 PM by Robert
I know I've been a slacker with updating this. And it's not going to get updated for another week, because I'll be in Canada on a school trip. Don't worry, I'll tell you all about it when I get back. But before I leave, I briefly want to conclude my last post.

As I mentioned, my former roommate Chris came back to Lincoln for a concert on Wednesday, the 25th of February. He was going to leave Thursday afternoon, but decided to stay and hang out. That night was our dorm's floor night out, so we went to Smokey Bones down in Springfield to have some awesome food and a great time. After that, we went to go see "The Passion of the Christ." Simply put, it was amazing. I can't say I enjoyed it, because I certainly didn't like seeing my savior attacked and persecuted, but it was a great movie. I honestly thought it would make me cry, but it didn't. However, I teared up at a couple of the scenes, and I cringed during the beating and crucifixion.

When the movie ended, it was just like people said it would be: the entire theater just sat there in silence, staring at the credits. The only sound was a few people crying. Even as the lights came on, I sat there paralyzed, unable to move. It took everything I had to put one foot in front of the other and walk to the car. And on the way back to the school, no one said a word. It was more than a movie, it was an experience. I tried to think to myself, "There's Jim Caviezel, playing the part of Jesus." But I just couldn't see the actors, all I saw was the story.

I later realized why I wasn't able to cry, and why I could barely move. The film was so moving and so intense that it forced me to focus every one of my senses on it. I watched, I listened, I cringed. All my energy was devoted to absorbing what was happening on the screen in front of me. And when it was done, I was drained, mentally and physically. I couldn't move. I couldn't think. All I could do was feel. I just didn't have the energy to cry.

The paradox of "The Passion" is that it's as real as the crucifixion could ever be to us, it's closer than we could ever imagine, and yet, it's still too much for us to comprehend. We will never experience what Jesus did on the cross, and we'll never understand the grace and compassion we've received from it.

Personally, I didn't find the film to be anti-Semitic in any way. I understand the tension involved with this issue, but people are still missing the point of this movie. The media keeps looking at the pointless trivia surrounding the movie. Nobody realizes the most important thing of all -- Christ died for us, and then rose again! As I watched Jesus get beaten, as I watched get nailed to the cross, I thought to myself, "You did that for me. You knew I'd be a sinner, and you did it anyway." There's no other way to explain it. It's just amazing.

There's no good transition from that point, so I'll just tell you that last Friday was pretty basic, and last Saturday, our women's basketball team won the regional championship (which LCC hosted). It was kind of cool to watch them cut down the net after the game. Our men's team also won their region, and as of yesterday, both teams had won their first game in the national tournament. I probably won't find out how they finish until I get back next week. Still, for me, this won't compare with winning the volleyball championshp. I guess I'm just a little biased.

Anyway, I've got to finish getting ready, since we leave in about two hours. If you wouldn't mind, please pray for our safe travel, and opporunities to be a bold witness for Christ. God willing, I'll be back next Saturday, telling all about my Canadian adventure.

Posted 3:06 AM by Robert
Happy Leap Day! You probably think I've forgotten about this. And you've probably done the same. I've been wanting to update this for a while, but I keep running out of time. A big reason is because I've spent a lot of time playing Tetris on my cell phone. I just got to level 10, with a score of over 27,000 points, my new record.

I said I was going to explain why I hate Valentine's Day, so I'm finally going to do that now. The basic reason is out of bitterness -- it's always been pretty lonely for me. I've never really had a date for a day that emphasizes love. But that's the second reason I don't like it. There's so much value placed in it that people seem to forget that love is an everyday thing. It's like we have to make a grand gesture on Valentine's Day to show our loved one's how we should always feel. Love in any form is supposed to be celebrated every day, but people seem to forget that and focus all their energy on February 14. And because of companies like Hallmark, love isn't just limited to 24 hours -- it's also commercialized. Now, love can be measured by the number of flowers, the size of a teddy bear, or the price of a card. I realize I'm overexaggerating a bit, but my point is that most people just don't get it. They spend Valentine's Day working to earn someone's love, but love isn't something that can be earned. It can only be given and received; it can only be felt. My best friend Chris put it this way: "It makes the people in love even more in love, and the lonely people even lonelier."

So that's why I don't like Valentine's Day. But that was two weeks ago, and life goes on. This past week for me has been pretty eventful, which I will now discuss, beginning with part one:

Starting with last Friday (the 20th), a bunch of us went to one of our fellow dormmate's house in Normal. There was Craig, Korean Dan, A.C. (my new roommate, who just moved in two weeks ago), myself, and Dan, whose house we went to. He cooked a fantastic meal for us, and then we rented "The Golden Child," starring Eddie Murphy. It was just a great night of hanging out and having a great time with friends. The weekend was pretty normal -- I spent it doing homework, sleeping, doing laundry, and watching TV. On Monday, we had a test in my Pentateuch class (in case you're wondering, the Pentateuch is the first five books of the Bible). But our professor didn't feel like grading any more tests, so he gave the class a group test. Assuming we all did the reading assignments, we received a 99 on it (out of 100). My classes were pretty standard on Tuesday, though there were some great episodes of "Scrubs" and "24" that night. Also, my mouth really started to hurt, and it still does. I think it's my wisdom teeth -- it's the third time since October that this has happened, and if this is like the last two times, it should feel better in a couple days. But I'm starting to think that I'll need to have them pulled this summer, when school's out and I have time to recuperate.

My former roommate and best friend Chris came down to visit on Wednesday, because we had a major concert event on our tiny little campus. David Crowder was here, along with Paul Wright and Telecast. It was awesome -- the concert rocked my socks, and we had a great time. Before the concert, Chris took off his pants (he was wearing gym shorts underneath them), and we hung them from the balcony in the chapel, where a group of us were sitting. We spent a good portion of the night asking each other, "Are those pants? Hey, are those pants?" The bands on stage never saw them, but some of our fellow students got a kick out of seeing them hanging there.

Thursday was a big day, which is going to require a separate post. But I would like to conclude this one with something that I've been thinking about the last several days. You'll recall that I came to the conclusion that I didn't really like this girl, just the possibility that she liked me at some point. Slowly but surely, I'm getting over her and moving on, accepting the fact that she totally ignores me and nothing will ever happen. Of course, there's still a part of me that wants the attention. Which led me to a thought: why should a girl I barely know mean so much to me? I've turned it over and over in my head, and I realized that there is no answer to it. There is no reason that she should mean anything to me, except for her being a sister in Christ. I know I wasn't attracted to her as a person, because I don't know her that well. And there's no way I could be attracted to her unless I got to know her better. The fact that I've come to this conclusion doesn't change anything for me, it's just an observation. Remember, a relationship is based on people, not just feelings.

The words of a song I started writing over two months ago are imitating reality:

"You're just a girl that I once knew,
No need to think that I belong with you.
You're just a girl that I can see
Anywhere except my dreams."

Posted 1:37 AM by Robert
It was a warm day in February; the kind of day that made you glad to be alive. I certainly wasn't expecting much to happen. I really didn't think I'd see her. But strange things seem to occur when we have open dorms. Imagine my surprise when I walked out of my room, and there she was, just standing there . . .

I'm sorry, none of that really happened. I just felt like exercising my creative muscle. The last couple of days, I've been upset, irritated, angry -- I'm not really sure. It's not that bad, but something's been bugging me.

I'll still explain on a later day why I hate Valentine's Day. This year, as a holiday, it sucked. But as a regular day, it was great. I went home for the weekend, and saw the movie "Miracle" with my mom. And I loved it. I wouldn't expect any else to enjoy it as much as I did unless they lived through the events of 1980 or played hockey, but I'd say it's one of my new favorite movies. I also got a nice new cell phone. I did have to change my number, but it saved me a load of money. 630-926-5841 was good to me, but I got 25 great months out of it, and now it's time for those digits to retire.

I can't mention one of the things that's bothering me, because the person that it involves might see this. If you want to know what it is, e-mail me or IM me and I'll tell you. Another thing is that I won't get to play intramural volleyball here at LCC this year, and I was really looking forward to it. One of the guys in the dorm and myself were trying to start a team, but we only had about two days to find people, and we just couldn't get enough people together. The other thing that bugs me about it is that the league is co-ed, so there has to be at least three girls on the court at all times. The reason why this bugs me is because the intramural basketball league last semester was for guys only. I'm all for letting girls play, but it's inconsistent to set a specific number of players for either sex. It's an intramural league -- let people play based on their desire to play, not their gender.

There's always next year, or the chance that I could fill in for somebody in one of the games this year. And I'll probably go to watch some of the games featuring the Beefcake team, which is made up of guys from my dorm. But I'm still kind of bummed, because I really wanted to play. It just reminds me that what I want doesn't compare to what God wants. This lead me to realize something that should've occured to me a long time ago -- everytime I get something I want, it's a direct blessing from God. Seeing a great movie and spending time with my mom is a blessing from God. Getting a great new cell phone for a low price is a blessing from God. In fact, my old phone broke just a week and half before my contract expired, so it was pretty good timing. In the grand scheme of life, it seems insignificant, but it's still more proof that God's plan is better than mine.

The other big thing I've been thinking about hasn't led to a revelation, at least not yet. The issue, of course, has to do with a girl (not the girl here at LCC, another girl from my past). When you stop going out with someone because they dumped you, you assume that they don't like you anymore, and eventually you get over them. And you may keep in touch, but eventually you drift apart, and before you know it, you have absolutely no contact with them at all. Even when you see them in person, they totally ignore you -- no simple "hi," no time of day. It makes you wonder if they ever liked you at all. It's like they never cared. To me, it's amazing how that lack of concern in the present invalidates that relationship and the feelings you used to have. And it's not the same as living in past or not being over that person. It changes your perception of how things are. You thought you were someone that this person liked, but they weren't really attracted to you. So who were you then? And who are you now? It's not exactly an identity crisis, but it does raise questions. Sometimes it makes you wonder why you were attracted to that type of person in the first place.

Despite having all these questions, I was able to answer one of them. This time, it is about the girl here at LCC. In my last post, I mentioned that I wasn't sure if I liked her, or the small amounts of attention she was paying me. I've realized that it was just the attention. There are probably qualities about this girl that I like, but they're secondary. Whenever I've liked a girl, it's been because I thought she liked me, or I wanted her to like me. I guess that happens when you've never had a girlfriend -- you desire a relationship more than a person.

I'm not quite positive about all this, but I am going to keep exploring it. It's a dilemna, and I want the answer. Mentally speaking, I know where I stand, and I know that wherever I'm going, the solution will involve God somehow. It's mostly a matter of how I'll get there.

Posted 2:20 PM by Robert
"I hate Valentine's Day." The bitter words of a hopeless romantic. I'll explain further in a later post why I hate February 14.

I haven't updated this in a while, mainly because I haven't had much to talk about. But I wanted to update my blog before I went home for the weekend -- I have to get a new cell phone and a new plan, and I'll probably go see the movie "Miracle" with my mom. Besides, it's not like I'll miss anything here in Lincoln on Valentine's Day.

I've been trying to figure out if I really like this girl. I think one of the main reasons I was attracted to her was because it seemed like she might like me, which meant that she was showing me some attention. It wasn't much, but there were those little things, like a smile, or saying "Hey" when she walked past me. There was also a strange incident when I walked into the classroom and she said to me, "Robert, you're on time today. Good job." What made that so odd was that I was always on time for that class -- in fact, I usually showed up before her. And let's not forget the time she borrowed my pen for the IDS final.

It's not often that a girl pays attention to me. I mean, I don't overanalyze it when a girl says hi to me, but beyond that, I don't have a lot of contact with the opposite sex. So why did I like this girl in the first place? Was I attracted to her, or the possibility that a girl liked me? Do I want her or the attention? Honestly, I don't know.

This kind of leads back to the idea of "You'll never know unless you ask." I'll never know for sure if she'd go out with me unless I ask her. And I'll never if I like her unless I go out and spend time with her.

2 Timothy 1:7 says, "For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline." I know God doesn't want me to be afraid to talk to a girl. And what really struck me was when I saw that passage of scripture translated in the The Living Bible. I can't remember how it was worded exactly, but I recall a part that said, "God does not want us to be afraid of people." Paul was writing about sharing our faith, but that still got me, because that's how I feel -- in a way, I'm afraid of this girl.

I know that the only practical thing for me to do is to talk with her, get to know her, and maybe ask her out later. But it's just not going to happen. We run in different crowds, we're not going to just run into each other on campus. It's up to me to seek her out and take some action, but I'm not going to do it. I know I should, and I want to, but I won't. It's not that I can't, I'm just not going to do it. I know you think I'm an idiot, and believe me, I know -- I'm the one that has to look at myself in the mirror everyday. I guess it's like Morpheus said in "Matrix: Reloaded" -- "Some things never change, and some things do." I have no good argument for this, it's just who I am.

Posted 6:29 AM by Robert
"Lord, I don't know where all this is going." -- Newsboys

I had a revelation Wednesday night. But I'm not going to tell you what it is yet. First, I'm going to comment on the sad state of affairs in our society. It's certainly saying something when a movie like "You Got Served" is number one in the nation, or when those new McDonald's commercials result in a 13% increase in sales.

My friend Will (you know who you are) called me other night just to say hi and to chat. It was much appreciated; I really enjoyed talking with him again. And the conversation was also somewhat useful and practical. He echoed a point that I had also been concerned with -- sometimes we tend to hide behind God and wait for a sign, like a burning bush or the literal Voice of God. In an earlier post, I mentioned that I wasn't waiting for a "big sign," just some sort of affirmation. However, I've come to realize that I was still incorrect in my thinking.

In my Dynamics of Personal Evangelism class, we've been reading a book called "The Ragamuffin Gospel," by Brennan Manning (if you like reading and have time, I would definitely suggest this title). The main subject of the book is accepting the grace of God, but there was one sentence that seemed to stand out to me: "The gospel of grace calls us to sing of the everyday mystery of intimacy with God instead of always seeking for miracles or visions." By itself, this doesn't say a lot, but it got me thinking in a different type of direction.

On Thursday, I heard a quote from E. Stanley Jones, who wrote a book, among others, called "A Song of Ascents." This is what it said: "Prayer is surrender -- surrender to the will of God and cooperation with that will. If I throw out a boat hook from a boat and catch hold of the shore and pull, do I pull the shore to me, or do I pull myself to the shore? Prayer is not pulling God to my will, but the aligning of my will to the will of God."

It didn't matter how big of a sign I was asking for, what mattered is that I was asking for a sign. I thought I wasn't putting God in a box, because I was being "flexible" with this affirmation. But what I was really doing was saying, "God, this is what I want you to tell me, just tell me when." I was trying to pull the shore to me. What I should have done was say, "God what do you want to tell me?" Instead of seeking a miracle or vision, I should have looked for intimacy with God. I've caught hold of the shore, now I just need to pull myself in and align my will with God's (I'd like to think that I'm on the right path -- I've already been corrected and realized my error).

I've wondered if the reason I'm wrestling with this is because I'm afraid. Perhaps the reason I wanted any type of sign is because deep down, I already know the answer, so I don't need a sign. Which means I won't get one. And if don't get one, I can satisfy that fear by not taking any action. Is that what I'm doing -- am I hiding behind God? I don't know, but finding that intimacy will lead me towards an answer.

I thought that not getting an answer to my earlier prayers was God's way of telling me to simply wait. I kept praying about it, and I was right to do that. But this whole idea of wanting an "affirmation" made me think that I should keep waiting. I wasn't being intentional with my prayers; I wasn't drawing close enough to God. I spent so much time looking for a specific purpose that I wasn't following my main purpose -- being near my Lord.

After all that, my revelation doesn't seem like much. If anything, this seems more like a revelation. However, I think of adjusting my prayer life as more of a re-alignment; a calibration, if you will. Anyway, this is what I realized Wednesday night:

I've mentioned in previous posts that there are more important things in life than wanting a girlfriend, or other similar desires. Instead of worrying about those things, I should be focused on God and what He wants. It's not that those are unimportant, they're just less important. But I had been going about this all wrong. I shouldn't have the approach that those things are less important. I should've realized that if God can do the big things, like heal sick people, move mountains (which He does, patitently and steadily), and forgive us for our sins, then He can easily handle the little things, like giving us the things that we want. He may not want us to have those things, but if He does, we shouldn't worry, because we know He'll take care of them.

So that's it for now. I need to go to bed. The truth is, I was planning on completing this four hours ago, but I ended up hanging out with a couple of the other guys in the dorm. We didn't do much, just played online games, and DDR (Dance Dance Revolution) on PlayStation 2. Let me put it this way: it's a good thing no one else saw us. But we had a good time just goofing around and staying up late, which made it all worthwhile. And now I really need to go. Fun earlier. Sleep now. Sleep later.

Posted 11:15 PM by Robert
How about that Super Bowl, eh?

I have to admit, it turned out to be pretty exciting at the end. I expected New England to get into a rhythm on offense sooner or later, but I was surprised that Carolina played as well as they did in the second half. In the end, it was the Patriots' consistency on both sides of the ball that gave them the win. I've heard a lot of people say that the Pats didn't deserve to be in the big game. Let me say this: I think they are overrated. But they were also the best overall team in the AFC. Players like Peyton Manning and Priest Holmes are better than anyone on New England, but their teams weren't as well-rounded as the Patriots.

At the same time, Carolina is also very overrated (and I'm not just saying that because they beat my Eagles). In fact, I would say that either St. Louis or Green Bay is a better team, but they didn't show up when they need to. I will give the Panthers credit for not giving up and fighting until the end. On the other hand, New England didn't play up to their potential, and gave Carolina a chance to hang on late in the game. The score wasn't quite what I expected, and though I'd say the outcome is accurately portrayed, the fact that it was so close only represents the last two quarters. Carolina played horribly in the first half, which I think caused the Patriots to relax a little bit. But both teams stepped up their game when it counted most.

I thought there was a pretty good group of commercials this year. Whatever you think about beer and alcohol, Budweiser and Bud Light once again had the best ads, as they usually do. My personal favorites were the ones with the biting dog, the donkey that wanted to be a Clydesdale, the flatulent horse, and the referee with a nagging wife. Chevrolet had an amusing ad with the kids that needed their mouths washed out with soap. And if you were watching after the game, Subway also aired what I thought was a funny commercial. There was also a really weird commerical for Gillette, apparently explaining how great shaving is. I'm sorry, but I've never had such a "wonderful" experience when I've shaved.

And I can't help but to comment on the halftime show. Did you see the incident with Justin Timberlake and Janet Jackson? I'm sorry, but that was just uncalled for. It was an absolute disgrace (if you didn't see it, after singing "Rock Your Body," Justin tore off part of Janet's outfit, exposing her bare breast). When I first saw it, it seemed like it was planned, since it looked like Janet had something covering her nipple. But I just read an article about it, saying that the event wasn't planned, and everyone involved was deeply sorry. That would explain why the network quickly cut away and didn't comment on it. In fact, Justin had this to say about it:

"I am sorry that anyone was offended by the wardrobe malfunction during the halftime performance of the Super Bowl," Timberlake said in a statement. "It was not intentional and is regrettable."

Wardrobe malfunction? Pulling off an article of clothing is not a wardrobe malfunction. I find it hard to believe that they didn't plan it, but that doesn't change anything. Besides that, the halftime show sucked anyway. It was nothing but hip hop (seriously, go away hip hop!). But that can be attibuted to the fact that MTV produced it. And that's because Viacom owns both CBS, the network that broadcasted the game, and MTV. The funny thing is, the NFL said "it's unlikely that MTV will produce another Super Bowl halftime." I'm sorry, but that just amuses me.

Another football season over, and at this point, I couldn't care less. Six months until training camp starts, and the Eagles begin their next quest to choke in a big game. On the other hand, Philadelphia's arena football team debuts next week, Spring Training begins for the Phillies in less than three weeks, and NASCAR starts again in two weeks. At least I've got a couple of things to look forward to, until they disappoint me as well. But I don't want to end this on such a sour note, so let me say this: "Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow!"

Posted 3:59 AM by Robert
No matter what kind of mood I'm in, back-to-back episodes of "The Rockford Files" always cheer me up.

I've been thinking a lot lately. And I'm sick of it. Not because it hurts or anything semi-humorous like that, but because I don't have any answers. Allow me to list the items running laps in my head:

1) Choices. As you'll recall from my last post, I discussed the idea of regrets, and how it's difficult to know what choice we should make, because we're never sure of the outcome until it happens. Today, I watched the movie "Groundhog Day" in the cafeteria with a couple of friends. Truly a great movie. But that's not my point.

In the movie, Bill Murray plays Phil Connors, a sarcastic and bitter weatherman who goes to Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania, to cover the annual tradition of Punxsutawney Phil, a groundhog whose shadow will supposedly determine how much longer winter will last. However, he's forced to repeat the same day over and over and over and over . . . you get the idea.

Eventually, he knows everything that's going to happen, and when and where it will take place. As the same day continues, Phil uses this knowledge to help the people around him. He helps some old ladies change a tire, catches a boy who falls out of a tree, and feeds a homeless man, just to name a few things. The cycle is broken once he falls in love with his producer, Rita, played by Andie MacDowell.

What really struck me about the movie was that Phil had numerous chances to live the same day again and again, to make a different decision, to choose a better result. Basically, he got a do-over until he got it right. How many times do we wish we could relive a day just once and do something differently? I know I've been there. Of course, I know that's why I don't have that ability, and that's why I'm not God. If everything happens for a reason (as I believe it does), we can't go back and change something. It would alter the course of our lives, and allow us to choose something based solely on the outcome. As I've said before, the ends don't justify the means. We determine what we do by the way it relates to our set of core values and beliefs -- who we are -- not because the end result is nice and comfortable.

After sin came into the world, God didn't just give up and start over again. Yes, He did send a flood, but that didn't involve destroying the earth or recreating mankind. He didn't redesign the universe, He just cleansed what was already there. It's a rough analogy, but I think it works: God didn't throw out the fish tank because the water was dirty -- He just cleaned the water and fish that were in the tank. I hate to say that it was do-over, because that sounds like it was a mistake. Which it wasn't. God knew that we would sin, but we're His creation, and He loves us. He hates the sin, but He loves us anyway. So He gave us second chances, and third chances, and more chances than we deserve. The Flood wasn't a do-over, it wasn't Creation: Part II. It was another chance for us to get it right. Sending Christ into the world wasn't a do-over either, it was a chance for salvation. And what we do with it is our choice.

If we mess up, we don't get to repeat the event. We may get another chance to correct the situation, to rectify it, but that one moment in time is gone. All we can do is wait and hope for an opportunity to make things right. And that's all I have on this topic for now, but I feel like there's another idea waiting to be discovered.

2) Something doesn't feel right in my life, and I don't know what. Am I missing something? Someone? Is there something I should be doing? Something I'm forgetting? And why haven't I figured it out yet? I can't put my finger on it, but something seems to be missing, or out of place, or being done the wrong way. I don't know what it is, and I don't know what's wrong with it. Right now, it's just a vague, hazy feeling. I can only have faith that whatever it is will be resolved or revealed to me at the proper time, and that I'll know what to do when that happens.

3) Something feels different. In this case, it has to do with the girl. I'm kind of tired as referring to her as "the girl," but I haven't been able to bring myself to actually type her name.

I don't know what, but it doesn't seem like it was last semester. If there was some sort of attraction between us, some type of connection, it's not there. I think it's very possible that there was a faint connection I didn't notice until it was gone. She was also working at the last three basketball games, selling tickets and checking student IDs. And it just seems strange because she didn't do anything like that last semester.

In addition, she got her hair cut really short yesterday. Don't get me wrong, she's still hot, and I would still go out with her. Of course, that was never my primary reason for being attracted to her (or thinking that I am), just a nice bonus. To quote one of the professors here at LCC, the legendary Doc Henderson, "A good girl is like mashed potatoes, and good looks are just the gravy. The potatoes are already good without the gravy, but the gravy is also nice." It sounds strange, but it's true.

I know it sounds ridiculous for someone in my position to say, but things just seem different. I'm not saying that this "feeling" or her working at the basketball games or her haircut are in anyway related, or some sort of sign, or even important, for that matter. They all just seem to hint at the fact that something feels different, or changed. Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm paranoid. Maybe I'm nuts. Maybe I'm an idiot.

I just I wish I knew what to do with all of this. Are the three things I listed connected? I don't know. I keep trying to pray about it, but no answer so far. I'm not giving up, just puzzled. Maybe I'm not praying about the right things. Maybe I'm not approaching this the right way. Maybe I'm not doing the things I'm supposed to be doing, even though I think I am. Whatever is going on my life, I just want to know what it is so I can do something about it -- hopefully the right thing.

Posted 3:06 AM by Robert
I had a vision earlier today. It was an idea to write a book. Go with me on this idea: the book would be called, "Representin': How a Kid from Philadelphia Found His Way to Central Illinois," or something along those lines. It would be the story of my spiritual pilgrimage, how I've learned to listen to God and follow his direction, and the lessons I've learned along the way. But the main theme would be that I was "representin'" God the whole time. I think it would make for an interesting story, maybe.

I also had a revelation. We shouldn't just listen to God's answer to a prayer; we should imitate the action. If He says yes to something, that's not just a yes -- that's a "go do it." If He says no, our action should be to not take that action. And if He tells us to wait, that's just what we should do: wait. But there's one other option. God always answer's a prayer, it's just a matter of when. So when you pray about something and don't get a definitive yes or no, what are you left to do? Absolutely nothing. If God's not giving you an answer, that's because he doesn't want you to have it at that point.

I've been a walking paradox the last several days. I like this girl, but I don't want to see her or run into her. I want to ask her out, but I don't run into her. Whenever I don't see her, I wish she was there. I want to talk to her, but I don't know what to say. I see her with a group of friends, and I don't think she would even be interested in me. I see her by herself, and I'm filled with hope, wishing that I could go talk to her. And then she's gone in the blink of an eye, rushing off to somewhere else. I feel like everything I've typed in my previous posts is true, and yet could be tossed out the window (have you noticed yet that I am the Drama King?).

People have said that there's no room for regrets in life, but I can't help it. Not all of my choices have had the results I desire. This makes me wish I had made a different choice, or done something differently. I am unhappy with what has happened, wondering what could have been. A regret is born.

Two summers ago, while I was living in New Jersey, we found a small frog swimming around in our pool. I decided to take it in and keep it in a bucket, caring for it as my own. But a few hours later, I thought to myself, "Why should I capture this frog and imprison it? I should just let it go back to its own environment, living in the backyard, and possibly swimming in the pool." So I released it. The next day, when I went outside, I saw the frog on the concrete, dead. I tried to do the right thing by not keeping a frog that wasn't meant to live in captivity, for lack of a better term. Ironically, if I had kept the frog, he probably would've survived. The fact is, we can't know which choice is better until we see the end result. And even so, we have no way of knowing if the other option would've been better or worse.

Wednesday, January 28, 2004, marked the one year anniversary of my return to Illinois. More importantly, it means that it has been exactly one year since I last saw my brother and sisters. I can't even how much bigger they've gotten, and how much more they've learned to say. Even to this day, I sometimes feel as if I abandoned them. But I know I did the right thing by coming back to Naperville and following God. I wasn't trying to leave my siblings. In fact, at the time, I assumed I'd be coming back to visit them. I didn't know that it would be the last time I saw them. I wonder what would hurt more: knowing you were leaving someone for the last time, or not knowing that you'll never see them again.

Let me correct myself. There is one way to know which option would be better or worse. If it's what God wants, it will be the better option. I could have stayed in New Jersey, with my dad and my brother and sisters, but it wasn't what God wanted for me. If I hadn't come back to Illinois, I wouldn't have gotten involved with the youth group again. I wouldn't have learned to cling to God with everything I've got. I wouldn't have had the experience of working as a patient transporter at Edward Hospital. I wouldn't have discovered my calling to youth ministry. I wouldn't be driven by the fact that there could be someone like me, who has family they may never see again, and they don't know if their family will ever know Christ. I wouldn't be driven to share the Good News so that those people in my position don't have to worry about their family. And I wouldn't have been led to attend Lincoln Christian College.

I believe everything happens for a reason. Maybe it's the hopeless romantic in me, but there must be a reason I like this girl. There must be a reason I came to LCC this year, instead of last year or next year. There must be a reason that I enjoy volleyball and attended the games, before realizing that this girl was on the team. There must be a reason that we were in the same group in our IDS class. Seriously, almost one hundred people were in that class and divided up into six groups. There must be a reason that we both ended up in that group of sixteen. And there must be a reason that people keep telling me I should find a girl, and that my closest friends keep telling me I should go after this one. Has all this happened, and have I felt this strongly just to like a girl I'll never get close to? The idea seems ludicrous. There simply has to be a bigger reason.

Is it so horrible to want to know if this is God's will for me? Acts 5:38-39 says, "For if their purpose or activity is of human origin, it will fail. But if it is from God, you will not be able to stop these men; you will only find yourselves fighting against God." Of course, that was in reference to the movement of the early church. But the point is the same -- humans are limited, but anything that involves God will not fail. The question is, do I want this to be God's will, even though it's not? Or is He telling me that it is, and I'm just running from the answer?

So I pray for a sign. Not necessarily a flash of lightning, or a burning bush, but what I would call affirmation. In Genesis 24, Abraham sends his servant to find a wife for his son Isaac. When the servant arrives at a well, he asks God to show him the woman he was sent to find through a sign -- the woman will offer him and his camels a drink. And it happens just as he asked. The servant didn't test God or put Him in a box. He didn't doubt his duty; he just wanted God to affirm what he was doing. And that's how I feel. I just want to know that I'm doing what God wants me to do, when He wants me to do it, wherever He wants me to be.

Almost everything I think, feel, and hear points to this girl. But these are all of human origin, as far as I can tell. So I ask God to show me if this is indeed from Him. I'm yet to get an answer, which leads me to only one choice of action: nothing. Perhaps "wait" is a better term. Yes, maybe I should "take action" and find out that way if this is what God wants. But I've been praying for opportunities, and I'm yet to have one this semester. I think that says something.

Is it possible that I had opportunities last semester and didn't take them? That leads back to the wonderful world of regret. Which would make me wonder if the choices I made were God's, or my own. Regrets are inevitable, but we can't dwell on them. There's hardly enough time in the present to spend it living in the past.

My point is this: I know that something isn't right in my life, and I know what I want. It's only logical to think that in this case, what I want and what God wants are one in the same. But that's a big assumption to make about God. So I've been praying, and the only answer I get seems to be "wait." If that's what God wants, then it will be the best option. If that's what I want, I need to make a change. I'm not likely to destroy God's divine plan just by asking her out, and I'm trying hard to make sure that I'm not just hiding behind Him. Then again, if this is what God wants, it won't fail. So I'll continue to pray for clarity, and for opportunities to talk to her. I'll keep praying for my brother and sisters, who I haven't seen in a year. And I would appreciate your prayers on both of these topics, because right now, I need all the help I can get.

Posted 9:04 PM by Robert
Why do I fall for the unattainable girls? Why do I fall for the ones I can't have? Why do I fall for the ones that are out of my league (yes, they are out of my league)?

True, the people we care about are only as "good" as we make them out to be in our minds. These "leagues" and social barriers are created by us. In reality, they don't exist, unless we let them. Which brings me to my next point.

Remember my last post, when I said I had no way of knowing if I should go after this girl, and maybe thinking that I should was just Satan talking? In my Dynamics of Personal Evangelism class yesterday, we discussed spiritual warfare, and how Satan tries to convince us that we're not good enough to evangelize, or we're too sinful to be a witness for Christ. Then it hit me like a sack of potatoes: I was hearing Satan. I was hearing him tell me that I'm not good enough for this girl, that she was better than me. Which, of course, isn't true. She's only unattainable because I've decided she is.

However, there still remains the fact that she may not be interested in me. You know, I'm not her type of guy. And I'm pretty sure that I'm not. What's that you say? "You don't know that." Yeah, I do. Because I know that her type of guy is the one she's going out with.

Okay, I don't know for sure, but I've seen her around campus with another guy. It's just a hunch, but unfortunately, I'm usually right about this sort of thing. I know what you're thinking. "That's because you blew it. You didn't take a chance and talk to her or ask her out." True, but you're also wrong. If she was interested in me, and she wasn't just being friendly, it ended with the first semester. I doubt that I've had a chance since I returned to school. It's in the past, it's over and done with.

Everything happens for a reason. I know I'm here in Lincoln for a reason, but as a hopeless romantic, I had hoped that there was something more, something deeper to that reason. I wanted to think that there was some dream girl out there, perfect for me in every way, and our paths would cross here at LCC. Call it despair, but it just doesn't feel that way anymore. I know I'm throwing myself a pity party, but I feel like I'm destined for solitude.

I'm miserable. Absolutely miserable. This is why I didn't want to date while I was here. But I let myself feel. I let myself become attracted to someone. I let myself want something. And once again, I've been hurt because of my desire. Everything happens for a reason, and I'm still searching for the reason behind all this. Maybe there's "something better" waiting for me. Maybe I'm supposed to learn something. Whatever it is, I'm confident that God will teach me through this. I'll get what I need. Just not what I want. I feel horrible for being so selfish, but I'm sick of waiting for "something better." I want what I want, and I want it now. But things just seem to not go my way.

Everytime I've liked a girl, I thought the world of her. I thought I'd never find anyone better than her (don't worry, I was aware of my state of self-delusion). Of course, time passed, I got over her, and I found someone better. But I'm sick of finding someone better. I'm 19 years old. I want to start dating, and not just for the sake of dating. I want to find someone special and have that special connection. I'm not looking to get married anytime soon, I just want to, for lack of a better term, love someone. Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young sang, "If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with." I don't want to love someone because I'm with her. I want be with her because I love her. I want to love her for who she is, and because she loves me. And I want her to love me for who I am.

So what hurts more? The fact that you're not with that special someone, or the fact that they don't feel the same way about you? Then again, does it really matter? Either way, it sucks.

Posted 12:29 AM by Robert
What is it that causes that sinking, hopeless feeling when you see that certain person? Is it the fact that you're not with them? Is it that they don't know how you feel? Or is that they don't feel the same way in return?

I've realized that there have only been two girls that liked me or wanted to go out with me. One of them had her friend ask me if I would go out with her, but I wasn't interested in her, and I had a crush on someone else at the time. I actually took some initiative with the other girl (the only one I've ever asked out), but I seriously doubt if she ever really liked me at all. And it sucks to think that nobody feels that way about me now.

I know God loves me, and I know nothing can match that love. And I have chased after God and tried to fill every void in my life with Him. So why do I still feel empty? Is that God's way of telling me I should go after this girl? I'm sorry, but it just isn't clear enough of a sign. What if it's Satan talking? What if I'm just creating this idea in my head? How do I really know what God's voice sounds like? It would be so much easier if He were telling me something I didn't want to hear -- it's too easy to think that God's telling me what I want to hear. And believe me, I want it.

Maybe I should have hope. You never know what tomorrow will bring. I mean, in September, the Eagles were 0-2. I had no idea that they would even make it to the NFC Championship Game. I expected to have a roommate when I came back this semester. After all, I had no reason to think otherwise. But the fact is, I have no reason for any hope. I know it sounds like self-pity, but it's true: I just don't get what I want.

Posted 2:34 AM by Robert
For the last month, I'd been wondering what it would be like when I saw her again. Would our eyes meet like in a movie? Would she smile and say hi? Would anything at all happen?

First of all, I'm still upset about the football game. Secondly, you'll want to make sure that you scroll down and read the previous post for this one to make sense. I mentioned last night that there are things I want, and things I need, and nothing that surpasses the pursuit of Christ. Allow me to share with you the conclusion that I've reached.

Just because I want a girlfriend doesn't mean I need one. Maybe God wants me to eventually settle down and have a family -- I don't know. But I know that I don't need a girlfriend at this point in my life. I should be saving what little money I have, not spending it on dates. And the time I would be spending with her could be put to better use, such as working on homework or creating fellowship with my Christian brothers. Besides, Jesus and Paul didn't need a spouse for their ministries. Let me say this: I am not in anyway comparing myself to Jesus or Paul. I could only hope to have an ounce of the impact that Paul had. My point is that solitude does not prohibit the work of God. I know you're thinking that I'm obsessed with this, and you're probably saying, "Take some action. Maybe God wants this." True, but I have no reason to believe that He does, so it's something I'm not going to focus on. Why should I pursue something that God doesn't want?

Just today, I had something else taken out of my life. I am no longer the sound technician for the band that my former roommate started here at LCC (which he, of course, is no longer a part of). Piece by piece, person by person, parts of my life keep getting stripped away. Why should I try to start a relationship when I'm only going to lose it? I should be doing what I can to hold on to the things I hold dear. Nobody but God should be responsible for making such changes in my life (just let me clear something up: I realize that I alone am responsible for my life and my actions. However, as I Christian, I have chosen to submit myself to God's will, so I choose to the things that God desires for me. I'm not just sitting around and waiting for "the Spirit to move me").

So what was it like when I saw her for the first time in over a month? To be honest, there really was nothing magical about it. It happened so fast, I almost didn't realize it was happening. I saw her for a split second, and then we went into the classroom, not a word spoken between us. Yeah, I could have said hi, but I was in a semi-state of shock. My tongue was in my throat, and my heart was in my stomach. But on the other hand, she didn't say anything to me, or smile at me, or even look at me. It was just another reminder that I don't seem to exist to her.

The ends don't justify the means. I shouldn't ask a girl out based on her response, I should do it based on whether or not I want to. So it shouldn't matter if I only speculate that she'll say no. If I want to do it, I should do it. But it's hard to be interested in someone who isn't interested in you. I know you all think that I'm a moron, and to tell you the truth, I'm actually an idiot (I won't deny that). However, I've been this way for 19 years, so why change now?

The point that I'm finally getting to is that I have no reason to ask this girl out, except my own selfish desire. I've prayed night after night, and I'm yet to get a clear response. If I get one, I'll ask her out. Otherwise, I'll just keep my living my life. Go ahead, call me stupid, beat me up, cover my bed in ice. I don't care anymore. I'm tired of getting hurt. Usually, the possibility of something wonderful outweighs the chance of something painful when it comes to decisions like this. But as I've said before, I won't lose what I don't have. And the things that I don't lose won't hurt me. I know it sounds ridiculous, but the absolute last thing I need is something that I want.

I'm just tired of caring.

Posted 11:31 AM by Robert
Anybody who knows me and saw the football games on Sunday knows that I am, excuse the language, incredibly pissed off. Once again, I was forced to watch my beloved Eagles choke in a big game. For the third straight year, with only one year between us and the Super Bowl, we lost. And it's not like we were dominated or anything -- we just plain sucked. Yes, there are more important things in life. But I care about sports, and I care about Philadelphia, and after three years, this is getting old.

This led me to discover a great revelation. You'll think I'm being overdramatic, but I'm not. The fact is, everything I've cared about has left me or hurt me (with the exception of my family). It's true, and I'll prove it. My dad had to move to Philadelphia, and my grandparents moved to Indianapolis after they retired (yes, they still love me, and I'm still close with all of them, but they are distant). I have a brother and two sisters who I love to death, but I'll never see them again. The only girl I've ever asked out called me two weeks later to say that she "just wanted to be friends." Rick Marcum, who has been like a mentor to me, moved to Pennsylvania. Our youth minister, Steve Limiero, is going back to Africa. Even my best friend and college roommate left after one semester. And something as trivial as a sports team, which I have no control over, has managed to break my heart year after year. In fact, all my favorite teams have done that. I know they weren't trying to hurt me, and I know it's not my fault. But all these people or things seem to be leaving my life.

I realize that God is still here, and He's not going anywhere. Which has brought me to my next point: I have everything I need, but not what I want. I'm still alive, I have a place to live, food to eat. I've been spending time with other people in the dorm the last couple days, so I'm doing just fine socially, even without my roommate. God has provided me with whatever it is that I need. But the things I want -- a girlfriend, a championship for a Philly team, money (not a lot, just what I need to get by) -- have been harder to come by. I've done everything I can to put God first in my life and live according to His will, and I'm still having trouble with my priorities.

The only times that I'm miserable are when I don't get what I want. But I still get what I need, and I should be content with that. It doesn't matter if I want a girlfriend, and in the grand scheme of life, it shouldn't matter. Tomorrow, a group of students and faculty from LCC are going to Washington for the March for Life, to protest abortion and support life. And one of our fellow students couldn't return for this semester because he found out that he has leukemia over Christmas break. There are more important things in life than my desire for romance. But nothing is more important than the will of God, and the pursuit of Jesus Christ. Next to Him, everything else is secondary.

Posted 2:13 AM by Robert
They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. Yeah, I guess.

It's been over a month since I've seen the girl. If I was looking forward to coming back to school, she was the reason why. At first, I thought I'd be miserable, not being able to see her. But I figured that I never saw her that much anyway, and I've been single for 19 years, so what difference would another month make. And, of course, I survived those four weeks I had off. I'm not sure if my heart grew fonder or not, but I did go through a lot of different feelings.

Let me fill you in on what happened: a certain friend told me that I should ask this girl out and "take action." In fact, if I didn't do it within a month of returning to school, he threatened to have my bed filled with ice. Another friend e-mailed me to tell me that all this must be happening for a reason, and I should just go ahead and ask her out, because I'm almost 20 years old and I should start doing things like this. So I decided that when I got back and saw her, I would ask her out on a date.

Then I found out that my best friend and roommate would not be returning to school this semester for reasons that don't need exploring at this juncture. I was upset for him, then mad at him, because it's his own fault, and then upset for myself. I mean, I have other friends down here, but he was my roommate; he was always there for me. It's strange not having him here. It's forcing me to be even more outgoing and socialable (which I'm doing), but I still feel like I'm cooped up in my room not doing anything. The thing is, nothing else has changed I'm still doing all the same things I did when my roommate was here -- homework, watching TV, chatting online. The only difference is that he'd be sitting in the room with me. I'm not reverting or being less outgoing, but it still feels like I am.

Anyway, as the next semester approached and break started to end, I couldn't stop thinking about returning to school. I was so anxious about it, I had trouble falling asleep at night. Knowing I'd be alone in the room, wondering what would happen when I asked the girl out. I got to the point where I was sick of thinking about her -- I didn't even want to ask her out anymore.

I finally realized that I didn't need to worry about this. I know enough people here at LCC that I'll have people to talk to in the dorm, or eat with during meals, or go out with on the weekends. Plus, I'll be busy doing homework, and I might even try to get a job. Besides, God will give me the strength I need to get through this. I know for a fact that this is where he wants me to be. Knowing that will make it that much easier.

Since I'm already devoting my life to God, and making this commitment, it only makes sense to devote everything to Him -- including my "love" life. I once heard a girl say that we're willing to give our lives to God, so shouldn't we also let him decide who we date? Which makes me wonder, does God want me to date this girl I've been pining over for two and half months? I know I said I'd ask her out, but is that really what God wants? Yes, I've had three of my closest friends tell me I should go after her, and everything I think about seems to point to this. But how do I really know that it's God's plan?

On top of that, I already know that I'm afraid to even talk to her, I won't deny that. Part of it is just pure fear. I'm afraid of losing whatever connection we have or could have, but you can't lose what you never had (yes, I know, it's a flawed argument). The other part of is self-doubt. It's almost like I'm trying to sabotage myself. "I've never been in a relationship, I won't know what to do. I'll probably just screw it up."

But those doubts are not entirely unfounded. How can I expect someone so far out of my league to be interested in me when we don't know anything about each other. Yes, I'm probably getting ahead of myself, but there's still something else that's bothering me. You see, she's in my Life of Christ II class on Tuesdays and Thursdays at 8 AM, but she wasn't there on the first day. In fact, I still haven't seen her yet this year. Supposedly, she's still at home because her brother just got back from Iraq. And if that's the case, then I'm thrilled for her. But it's an experience in her life that I'm not a part of, and for some reason, it hurts.

Yes, I feel that way for a reason. But there's also a reason that I haven't seen her yet. Maybe God just doesn't want me to jump into this -- I don't know. Which is why I've decided that, despite my friend's "request," I'm not going to set a timetable for this. As great as it would be to have a date for Valentine's Day (which was the deadline to ask her out), I'm not going to force this. If I have to wait until the last day of school, then that's what I'll do. And if it turns into something wonderful, then it will be worth the wait.

So what am I going to do? I'm going to keep praying about it, and I'll probably keep thinking about her. I'll ask God for opportunities to talk to her and ask her out. If I get those opportunities, then I'll use them. And if I don't, then I'll know that it isn't what God wants. But, despite all my fears and anxiety, I certainly know that it's what I want.

Posted 2:20 AM by Robert
I'll bet all y'all thought that I forgot about this, didn't ya? Indeed, I'm back, and I'm updating my blog at 2:00 in the morning.

Actually, I've been busy (and little bit lazy) with moving back to school and starting the spring semester. Classes began today, which means lots of homework. YAY!

Did anybody catch that football game this past weekend? Any one of them, just pick one -- they were all great. My beloved Eagles pulled off a stunning victory in overtime against Green Bay. This just goes to show that Philadelphia sports teams can't do anything the easy way. For example, the Eagles had to fall behind 14-0 in the first quarter, and tie the game after a stunning play on 4th and 26, before winning in OT. And in 1980, the Phillies were winning 4-1 in the top of the 9th in game 6 of the World Series, just three outs from winning their first championship. And of course, they did it the hard way. Tug McGraw loaded the bases before finally striking out Willie Wilson to end the game and the World Series. In fact, the only time a Philly team did it the easy way was 1983, when the 76ers breezed through the playoffs with a 12-1 record and swept the Lakers in the NBA Finals.

Anyway, I'm going to be a nervous wreck this Sunday when Philly plays Carolina for the NFC Championship. And if they do win and advance to Super Bowl XXXVIII, well, you're not going to want to be around me that weekend.

For those of you waiting to see what happens next in the soap opera that is my life, I'll have an update of that tomorrow. Right now, I need to get some sleep.