Posted 1:37 AM by Robert
It was a warm day in February; the kind of day that made you glad to be alive. I certainly wasn't expecting much to happen. I really didn't think I'd see her. But strange things seem to occur when we have open dorms. Imagine my surprise when I walked out of my room, and there she was, just standing there . . .

I'm sorry, none of that really happened. I just felt like exercising my creative muscle. The last couple of days, I've been upset, irritated, angry -- I'm not really sure. It's not that bad, but something's been bugging me.

I'll still explain on a later day why I hate Valentine's Day. This year, as a holiday, it sucked. But as a regular day, it was great. I went home for the weekend, and saw the movie "Miracle" with my mom. And I loved it. I wouldn't expect any else to enjoy it as much as I did unless they lived through the events of 1980 or played hockey, but I'd say it's one of my new favorite movies. I also got a nice new cell phone. I did have to change my number, but it saved me a load of money. 630-926-5841 was good to me, but I got 25 great months out of it, and now it's time for those digits to retire.

I can't mention one of the things that's bothering me, because the person that it involves might see this. If you want to know what it is, e-mail me or IM me and I'll tell you. Another thing is that I won't get to play intramural volleyball here at LCC this year, and I was really looking forward to it. One of the guys in the dorm and myself were trying to start a team, but we only had about two days to find people, and we just couldn't get enough people together. The other thing that bugs me about it is that the league is co-ed, so there has to be at least three girls on the court at all times. The reason why this bugs me is because the intramural basketball league last semester was for guys only. I'm all for letting girls play, but it's inconsistent to set a specific number of players for either sex. It's an intramural league -- let people play based on their desire to play, not their gender.

There's always next year, or the chance that I could fill in for somebody in one of the games this year. And I'll probably go to watch some of the games featuring the Beefcake team, which is made up of guys from my dorm. But I'm still kind of bummed, because I really wanted to play. It just reminds me that what I want doesn't compare to what God wants. This lead me to realize something that should've occured to me a long time ago -- everytime I get something I want, it's a direct blessing from God. Seeing a great movie and spending time with my mom is a blessing from God. Getting a great new cell phone for a low price is a blessing from God. In fact, my old phone broke just a week and half before my contract expired, so it was pretty good timing. In the grand scheme of life, it seems insignificant, but it's still more proof that God's plan is better than mine.

The other big thing I've been thinking about hasn't led to a revelation, at least not yet. The issue, of course, has to do with a girl (not the girl here at LCC, another girl from my past). When you stop going out with someone because they dumped you, you assume that they don't like you anymore, and eventually you get over them. And you may keep in touch, but eventually you drift apart, and before you know it, you have absolutely no contact with them at all. Even when you see them in person, they totally ignore you -- no simple "hi," no time of day. It makes you wonder if they ever liked you at all. It's like they never cared. To me, it's amazing how that lack of concern in the present invalidates that relationship and the feelings you used to have. And it's not the same as living in past or not being over that person. It changes your perception of how things are. You thought you were someone that this person liked, but they weren't really attracted to you. So who were you then? And who are you now? It's not exactly an identity crisis, but it does raise questions. Sometimes it makes you wonder why you were attracted to that type of person in the first place.

Despite having all these questions, I was able to answer one of them. This time, it is about the girl here at LCC. In my last post, I mentioned that I wasn't sure if I liked her, or the small amounts of attention she was paying me. I've realized that it was just the attention. There are probably qualities about this girl that I like, but they're secondary. Whenever I've liked a girl, it's been because I thought she liked me, or I wanted her to like me. I guess that happens when you've never had a girlfriend -- you desire a relationship more than a person.

I'm not quite positive about all this, but I am going to keep exploring it. It's a dilemna, and I want the answer. Mentally speaking, I know where I stand, and I know that wherever I'm going, the solution will involve God somehow. It's mostly a matter of how I'll get there.