Posted 2:34 AM by Robert
For the last month, I'd been wondering what it would be like when I saw her again. Would our eyes meet like in a movie? Would she smile and say hi? Would anything at all happen?

First of all, I'm still upset about the football game. Secondly, you'll want to make sure that you scroll down and read the previous post for this one to make sense. I mentioned last night that there are things I want, and things I need, and nothing that surpasses the pursuit of Christ. Allow me to share with you the conclusion that I've reached.

Just because I want a girlfriend doesn't mean I need one. Maybe God wants me to eventually settle down and have a family -- I don't know. But I know that I don't need a girlfriend at this point in my life. I should be saving what little money I have, not spending it on dates. And the time I would be spending with her could be put to better use, such as working on homework or creating fellowship with my Christian brothers. Besides, Jesus and Paul didn't need a spouse for their ministries. Let me say this: I am not in anyway comparing myself to Jesus or Paul. I could only hope to have an ounce of the impact that Paul had. My point is that solitude does not prohibit the work of God. I know you're thinking that I'm obsessed with this, and you're probably saying, "Take some action. Maybe God wants this." True, but I have no reason to believe that He does, so it's something I'm not going to focus on. Why should I pursue something that God doesn't want?

Just today, I had something else taken out of my life. I am no longer the sound technician for the band that my former roommate started here at LCC (which he, of course, is no longer a part of). Piece by piece, person by person, parts of my life keep getting stripped away. Why should I try to start a relationship when I'm only going to lose it? I should be doing what I can to hold on to the things I hold dear. Nobody but God should be responsible for making such changes in my life (just let me clear something up: I realize that I alone am responsible for my life and my actions. However, as I Christian, I have chosen to submit myself to God's will, so I choose to the things that God desires for me. I'm not just sitting around and waiting for "the Spirit to move me").

So what was it like when I saw her for the first time in over a month? To be honest, there really was nothing magical about it. It happened so fast, I almost didn't realize it was happening. I saw her for a split second, and then we went into the classroom, not a word spoken between us. Yeah, I could have said hi, but I was in a semi-state of shock. My tongue was in my throat, and my heart was in my stomach. But on the other hand, she didn't say anything to me, or smile at me, or even look at me. It was just another reminder that I don't seem to exist to her.

The ends don't justify the means. I shouldn't ask a girl out based on her response, I should do it based on whether or not I want to. So it shouldn't matter if I only speculate that she'll say no. If I want to do it, I should do it. But it's hard to be interested in someone who isn't interested in you. I know you all think that I'm a moron, and to tell you the truth, I'm actually an idiot (I won't deny that). However, I've been this way for 19 years, so why change now?

The point that I'm finally getting to is that I have no reason to ask this girl out, except my own selfish desire. I've prayed night after night, and I'm yet to get a clear response. If I get one, I'll ask her out. Otherwise, I'll just keep my living my life. Go ahead, call me stupid, beat me up, cover my bed in ice. I don't care anymore. I'm tired of getting hurt. Usually, the possibility of something wonderful outweighs the chance of something painful when it comes to decisions like this. But as I've said before, I won't lose what I don't have. And the things that I don't lose won't hurt me. I know it sounds ridiculous, but the absolute last thing I need is something that I want.

I'm just tired of caring.