Posted 9:04 PM by Robert
Why do I fall for the unattainable girls? Why do I fall for the ones I can't have? Why do I fall for the ones that are out of my league (yes, they are out of my league)?

True, the people we care about are only as "good" as we make them out to be in our minds. These "leagues" and social barriers are created by us. In reality, they don't exist, unless we let them. Which brings me to my next point.

Remember my last post, when I said I had no way of knowing if I should go after this girl, and maybe thinking that I should was just Satan talking? In my Dynamics of Personal Evangelism class yesterday, we discussed spiritual warfare, and how Satan tries to convince us that we're not good enough to evangelize, or we're too sinful to be a witness for Christ. Then it hit me like a sack of potatoes: I was hearing Satan. I was hearing him tell me that I'm not good enough for this girl, that she was better than me. Which, of course, isn't true. She's only unattainable because I've decided she is.

However, there still remains the fact that she may not be interested in me. You know, I'm not her type of guy. And I'm pretty sure that I'm not. What's that you say? "You don't know that." Yeah, I do. Because I know that her type of guy is the one she's going out with.

Okay, I don't know for sure, but I've seen her around campus with another guy. It's just a hunch, but unfortunately, I'm usually right about this sort of thing. I know what you're thinking. "That's because you blew it. You didn't take a chance and talk to her or ask her out." True, but you're also wrong. If she was interested in me, and she wasn't just being friendly, it ended with the first semester. I doubt that I've had a chance since I returned to school. It's in the past, it's over and done with.

Everything happens for a reason. I know I'm here in Lincoln for a reason, but as a hopeless romantic, I had hoped that there was something more, something deeper to that reason. I wanted to think that there was some dream girl out there, perfect for me in every way, and our paths would cross here at LCC. Call it despair, but it just doesn't feel that way anymore. I know I'm throwing myself a pity party, but I feel like I'm destined for solitude.

I'm miserable. Absolutely miserable. This is why I didn't want to date while I was here. But I let myself feel. I let myself become attracted to someone. I let myself want something. And once again, I've been hurt because of my desire. Everything happens for a reason, and I'm still searching for the reason behind all this. Maybe there's "something better" waiting for me. Maybe I'm supposed to learn something. Whatever it is, I'm confident that God will teach me through this. I'll get what I need. Just not what I want. I feel horrible for being so selfish, but I'm sick of waiting for "something better." I want what I want, and I want it now. But things just seem to not go my way.

Everytime I've liked a girl, I thought the world of her. I thought I'd never find anyone better than her (don't worry, I was aware of my state of self-delusion). Of course, time passed, I got over her, and I found someone better. But I'm sick of finding someone better. I'm 19 years old. I want to start dating, and not just for the sake of dating. I want to find someone special and have that special connection. I'm not looking to get married anytime soon, I just want to, for lack of a better term, love someone. Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young sang, "If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with." I don't want to love someone because I'm with her. I want be with her because I love her. I want to love her for who she is, and because she loves me. And I want her to love me for who I am.

So what hurts more? The fact that you're not with that special someone, or the fact that they don't feel the same way about you? Then again, does it really matter? Either way, it sucks.