Posted 2:13 AM by Robert
They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. Yeah, I guess.

It's been over a month since I've seen the girl. If I was looking forward to coming back to school, she was the reason why. At first, I thought I'd be miserable, not being able to see her. But I figured that I never saw her that much anyway, and I've been single for 19 years, so what difference would another month make. And, of course, I survived those four weeks I had off. I'm not sure if my heart grew fonder or not, but I did go through a lot of different feelings.

Let me fill you in on what happened: a certain friend told me that I should ask this girl out and "take action." In fact, if I didn't do it within a month of returning to school, he threatened to have my bed filled with ice. Another friend e-mailed me to tell me that all this must be happening for a reason, and I should just go ahead and ask her out, because I'm almost 20 years old and I should start doing things like this. So I decided that when I got back and saw her, I would ask her out on a date.

Then I found out that my best friend and roommate would not be returning to school this semester for reasons that don't need exploring at this juncture. I was upset for him, then mad at him, because it's his own fault, and then upset for myself. I mean, I have other friends down here, but he was my roommate; he was always there for me. It's strange not having him here. It's forcing me to be even more outgoing and socialable (which I'm doing), but I still feel like I'm cooped up in my room not doing anything. The thing is, nothing else has changed I'm still doing all the same things I did when my roommate was here -- homework, watching TV, chatting online. The only difference is that he'd be sitting in the room with me. I'm not reverting or being less outgoing, but it still feels like I am.

Anyway, as the next semester approached and break started to end, I couldn't stop thinking about returning to school. I was so anxious about it, I had trouble falling asleep at night. Knowing I'd be alone in the room, wondering what would happen when I asked the girl out. I got to the point where I was sick of thinking about her -- I didn't even want to ask her out anymore.

I finally realized that I didn't need to worry about this. I know enough people here at LCC that I'll have people to talk to in the dorm, or eat with during meals, or go out with on the weekends. Plus, I'll be busy doing homework, and I might even try to get a job. Besides, God will give me the strength I need to get through this. I know for a fact that this is where he wants me to be. Knowing that will make it that much easier.

Since I'm already devoting my life to God, and making this commitment, it only makes sense to devote everything to Him -- including my "love" life. I once heard a girl say that we're willing to give our lives to God, so shouldn't we also let him decide who we date? Which makes me wonder, does God want me to date this girl I've been pining over for two and half months? I know I said I'd ask her out, but is that really what God wants? Yes, I've had three of my closest friends tell me I should go after her, and everything I think about seems to point to this. But how do I really know that it's God's plan?

On top of that, I already know that I'm afraid to even talk to her, I won't deny that. Part of it is just pure fear. I'm afraid of losing whatever connection we have or could have, but you can't lose what you never had (yes, I know, it's a flawed argument). The other part of is self-doubt. It's almost like I'm trying to sabotage myself. "I've never been in a relationship, I won't know what to do. I'll probably just screw it up."

But those doubts are not entirely unfounded. How can I expect someone so far out of my league to be interested in me when we don't know anything about each other. Yes, I'm probably getting ahead of myself, but there's still something else that's bothering me. You see, she's in my Life of Christ II class on Tuesdays and Thursdays at 8 AM, but she wasn't there on the first day. In fact, I still haven't seen her yet this year. Supposedly, she's still at home because her brother just got back from Iraq. And if that's the case, then I'm thrilled for her. But it's an experience in her life that I'm not a part of, and for some reason, it hurts.

Yes, I feel that way for a reason. But there's also a reason that I haven't seen her yet. Maybe God just doesn't want me to jump into this -- I don't know. Which is why I've decided that, despite my friend's "request," I'm not going to set a timetable for this. As great as it would be to have a date for Valentine's Day (which was the deadline to ask her out), I'm not going to force this. If I have to wait until the last day of school, then that's what I'll do. And if it turns into something wonderful, then it will be worth the wait.

So what am I going to do? I'm going to keep praying about it, and I'll probably keep thinking about her. I'll ask God for opportunities to talk to her and ask her out. If I get those opportunities, then I'll use them. And if I don't, then I'll know that it isn't what God wants. But, despite all my fears and anxiety, I certainly know that it's what I want.