Posted 3:13 AM by Robert
Sunday, March 21, 2004, 12:57 AM - If you're reading this, hopefully I've made it. But, if not, then these words are the only account you'll have of this incident. In the last 33 hours, we've suffered through two power outages, the phones are out of service, and had no Internet access. We may be without it until Monday. Tensions are running high. People are at their breaking point. Time stands still. I have seen the edge, and it's a dark, lonely place.

Okay, that's only a half-truth. Our campus did experience a partial power outage Friday afternoon. One of the transformers blew, and some rooms didn't have any electricity. Anything on a surge protector (such as my computer) seemed to be unaffected, and the larger appliances (like microwaves, TVs, refrigerators, and Internet routers) just wouldn't work. Power was eventually restored a few hours later, but until then, most of the campus was dark. It was an eerie, yet beautiful sight. Then, today, they shut off all the electricity from 12 - 2 PM to fix the problem. That meant no lunch in the cafeteria, so I went out with a couple of friends to Cracker Barrel. But there's still no Internet or phone service, so I'm typing this Saturday night and saving it until I can publish it (note: the Internet was up again by Sunday afternoon). As a result of all this, things have been kind of interesting, but for the most part, this week has, well, sucked.

No, it's true. The highlight of my week has been finding a dead mouse in my room Monday night (it was a highlight because I finally found what was causing the smell). But my week really has sucked. I've been pretty miserable, stemming from the opening line of my last post. That's right - I've fallen for a girl I don't have a chance with. But before I tell you about it, I need to wrap up the past.

The other girl that I used to go on and on about - remember how I felt like I couldn't even bring myself to type her name? Well, to be honest, I'm over her, so now it's no trouble for me to tell you that her name is Jeni McLaughlin. She's a freshman from Mason City, which is about 20 miles south of Lincoln. She's a business major, and she was on the LCC volleyball team this year. In fact, if you go to www.lccs.edu/athletics, select volleyball, and click on the 2003 roster/profiles, you can look at the profiles for everyone on the team and see her picture. I think she's a nice person, but she's just not my type (I know some of you won't believe me, but I'm really not attracted to her anymore). Indeed, there's another girl who has caught my eye. Her name is Megan, and she was on my Week of E trip last week.

Here's the thing you've got to know about this: she's been in a few of my classes these past two semesters, but I never really talked to her. For a while, I had the crazy idea that she might have a crush on me. Nothing too convincing, just smiling at each other once or twice, and making eye contact on occasion, such as in class or at our Week of E meetings. I know, it's ridiculous, which is why I never acted on it. So I didn't think much about her being on this trip, just, "Hey, maybe she likes me." But, throughout the trip, as I spent time around her, listened to her talk, and got to know her better, I couldn't help but feel a certain way.

Now, here's the other thing you need to know: remember before, when I was talking about Jeni, and I said that I was more interested in having her like me than I was in liking her? I wanted the relationship more than I actually wanted the person. But, with Megan, it was completely different. I started off with the possibility that she might have liked me, and whether or not she did, I ended up liking her. I spent part of the week trying to figure out if she actually did like me (don't get me wrong, that didn't take priority over my service to the Lord), and I've concluded two things. First, I don't know if she likes me (I know, it would be a lot easier if I would just ask her). Second, it doesn't matter. I mean, it matters to some extent. But, in a way, it doesn't matter how she feels, because I know how I feel, and I know that I want the person, not just the relationship.

But, like I said before, there would be no future to that relationship, and I'm not just saying that. The first night of our trip, on our way to Naperville, we were all in the van talking, and she said that she's transferring to Ozark Christian College next year. And she's going to be working at a camp all summer, so I don't think she'd be interested in a relationship that's only going to last two months. But here's the kicker: just a few days before this trip, I was thinking to myself that, even though I've never had a real girlfriend, I'm starting to approach an age where, why would I want to be with anybody that I'm not going to spend the rest of my life with? I mean, I'm almost 20, why go through a bunch of messy break-ups? I'm not saying I want to marry the first girl that comes along, but why can't that first girl also be the right girl?

So, having come to this conclusion, and knowing that Megan will be gone at the end of this year, I fell for her anyway. I honestly believe God was slapping me across the head with a valuable lesson: love (for lack of a better term) does not know the restraints of time or geography. Where a person will be in the future doesn't change the way you feel about them now.

On top of that, I'm not quite sure if she likes me. Maybe there's reason to believe that she does, but I've never been good at "picking up signals." And it's mostly little things that are probably just in my head. For example, sometimes I would catch her looking, sometimes staring, at me (of course, that's because I was looking at her), but she wouldn't look that way at anyone else. There's also the way she said, "Goodnight Robert," when I was dropped off at my host house on Sunday night. Or the time that three of us were standing around, and even though she was talking about the other person, she was looking right at me the whole time. And on Thursday, when we were in the city, we were going up and down a lot of escalators, and just to be funny, I took the stairs and walked right alongside the group. Everybody chuckled, but Megan kept smiling at me. In fact, that same day, six of us went for a ride on the metro (which, as I previously mentioned, is the subway system in Montreal). We decided to ride it until the end of the line, switch tracks, and ride back to the station. As we stood on the platform and tried to figure out where to go, I turned around, and she was literally standing right behind me. She was so close that I almost stepped on her foot. There were also a couple other times later in the week that, when she walked past me, she would brush up next to me, even though there was plenty of room. And I know there was plenty of room, because nobody else would walk near me.

Also, when we were back in Chicago Saturday night, and we ate at Wendy's, we were the last two people in line. As it bended around the corner in front of the register, I stood off to the side so that she could go ahead of me. After she ordered, as she stood there waiting for her food, she looked at me and said with a smile, "I'm sorry, Robert." To which I replied, "Oh, no, I let you go ahead of me," and then I smiled. And she just stood there and smiled, and kept looking at me.

I know, I know, I could solve all of this by just talking to her. And believe me, I want to. I felt like I couldn't approach Jeni, like was I afraid of her. But I actually feel like I can talk to Megan. It's still hard, especially when I know how I feel, and I don't know how she feels. If all this has taught me anything, it's this: not to look for some sort of sign from God (which I did before), and to be persistent in prayer, as I try to figure out what to do. I'm not looking for some sort of deep, involved relationship, but I really want to get to know her, and at least be friends with her. I know I just need to talk to her.

Easier said than done. It sounds crazy, but it almost feels like God Himself is making sure we don't end up together. I'd like to think that I felt some sort of connection between Megan and I - maybe I'm just making something out of nothing because that's how I want it - but, at times, it seemed like something would happen that kept us from talking or being near each other, like there was some sort of interference. Believe me, I'm not using this as an excuse. In fact, I'm probably just imagining all of this and projecting it, but I don't know what to do. I've always believed that it really is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. But what's the point of starting a relationship that will only last two months? The only reason I have to act on these feelings is because I want to, and it's pointless if she doesn't feel the same way in return. And even if she does, she may not want to get involved in anything.

At the same time, it's like I'm putting God in a box. If something did happen between us, who's to say that it wouldn't last longer than two months? I don't want to hide behind "God's plan," but I'm not sure what to do now. I don't want to sit around and wait, I don't want to be afraid. I need to trust God, and at some point, I need to take action. But where is that point?

I'm sorry, I know this has been another long post. If you have any thoughts or suggestions for me, or if you want to yell at me for being an idiot, feel free to e-mail me or IM me (if you're reading this, I assume you know my address and screen name). I have no other way to end this post than with a song that's been stuck in my head. In fact, I mentioned it in of my very first entries. It's not completely relevant, but the first part of it seems to fit:

"There's a girl, right next to you
And she's just waiting for something to do.
And there's a rose in a fisted glove,
And the eagle flies with the dove.
And if you can't be with the one you love,
Love the one you're with."
-Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young