Posted 3:06 AM by Robert
I had a vision earlier today. It was an idea to write a book. Go with me on this idea: the book would be called, "Representin': How a Kid from Philadelphia Found His Way to Central Illinois," or something along those lines. It would be the story of my spiritual pilgrimage, how I've learned to listen to God and follow his direction, and the lessons I've learned along the way. But the main theme would be that I was "representin'" God the whole time. I think it would make for an interesting story, maybe.

I also had a revelation. We shouldn't just listen to God's answer to a prayer; we should imitate the action. If He says yes to something, that's not just a yes -- that's a "go do it." If He says no, our action should be to not take that action. And if He tells us to wait, that's just what we should do: wait. But there's one other option. God always answer's a prayer, it's just a matter of when. So when you pray about something and don't get a definitive yes or no, what are you left to do? Absolutely nothing. If God's not giving you an answer, that's because he doesn't want you to have it at that point.

I've been a walking paradox the last several days. I like this girl, but I don't want to see her or run into her. I want to ask her out, but I don't run into her. Whenever I don't see her, I wish she was there. I want to talk to her, but I don't know what to say. I see her with a group of friends, and I don't think she would even be interested in me. I see her by herself, and I'm filled with hope, wishing that I could go talk to her. And then she's gone in the blink of an eye, rushing off to somewhere else. I feel like everything I've typed in my previous posts is true, and yet could be tossed out the window (have you noticed yet that I am the Drama King?).

People have said that there's no room for regrets in life, but I can't help it. Not all of my choices have had the results I desire. This makes me wish I had made a different choice, or done something differently. I am unhappy with what has happened, wondering what could have been. A regret is born.

Two summers ago, while I was living in New Jersey, we found a small frog swimming around in our pool. I decided to take it in and keep it in a bucket, caring for it as my own. But a few hours later, I thought to myself, "Why should I capture this frog and imprison it? I should just let it go back to its own environment, living in the backyard, and possibly swimming in the pool." So I released it. The next day, when I went outside, I saw the frog on the concrete, dead. I tried to do the right thing by not keeping a frog that wasn't meant to live in captivity, for lack of a better term. Ironically, if I had kept the frog, he probably would've survived. The fact is, we can't know which choice is better until we see the end result. And even so, we have no way of knowing if the other option would've been better or worse.

Wednesday, January 28, 2004, marked the one year anniversary of my return to Illinois. More importantly, it means that it has been exactly one year since I last saw my brother and sisters. I can't even how much bigger they've gotten, and how much more they've learned to say. Even to this day, I sometimes feel as if I abandoned them. But I know I did the right thing by coming back to Naperville and following God. I wasn't trying to leave my siblings. In fact, at the time, I assumed I'd be coming back to visit them. I didn't know that it would be the last time I saw them. I wonder what would hurt more: knowing you were leaving someone for the last time, or not knowing that you'll never see them again.

Let me correct myself. There is one way to know which option would be better or worse. If it's what God wants, it will be the better option. I could have stayed in New Jersey, with my dad and my brother and sisters, but it wasn't what God wanted for me. If I hadn't come back to Illinois, I wouldn't have gotten involved with the youth group again. I wouldn't have learned to cling to God with everything I've got. I wouldn't have had the experience of working as a patient transporter at Edward Hospital. I wouldn't have discovered my calling to youth ministry. I wouldn't be driven by the fact that there could be someone like me, who has family they may never see again, and they don't know if their family will ever know Christ. I wouldn't be driven to share the Good News so that those people in my position don't have to worry about their family. And I wouldn't have been led to attend Lincoln Christian College.

I believe everything happens for a reason. Maybe it's the hopeless romantic in me, but there must be a reason I like this girl. There must be a reason I came to LCC this year, instead of last year or next year. There must be a reason that I enjoy volleyball and attended the games, before realizing that this girl was on the team. There must be a reason that we were in the same group in our IDS class. Seriously, almost one hundred people were in that class and divided up into six groups. There must be a reason that we both ended up in that group of sixteen. And there must be a reason that people keep telling me I should find a girl, and that my closest friends keep telling me I should go after this one. Has all this happened, and have I felt this strongly just to like a girl I'll never get close to? The idea seems ludicrous. There simply has to be a bigger reason.

Is it so horrible to want to know if this is God's will for me? Acts 5:38-39 says, "For if their purpose or activity is of human origin, it will fail. But if it is from God, you will not be able to stop these men; you will only find yourselves fighting against God." Of course, that was in reference to the movement of the early church. But the point is the same -- humans are limited, but anything that involves God will not fail. The question is, do I want this to be God's will, even though it's not? Or is He telling me that it is, and I'm just running from the answer?

So I pray for a sign. Not necessarily a flash of lightning, or a burning bush, but what I would call affirmation. In Genesis 24, Abraham sends his servant to find a wife for his son Isaac. When the servant arrives at a well, he asks God to show him the woman he was sent to find through a sign -- the woman will offer him and his camels a drink. And it happens just as he asked. The servant didn't test God or put Him in a box. He didn't doubt his duty; he just wanted God to affirm what he was doing. And that's how I feel. I just want to know that I'm doing what God wants me to do, when He wants me to do it, wherever He wants me to be.

Almost everything I think, feel, and hear points to this girl. But these are all of human origin, as far as I can tell. So I ask God to show me if this is indeed from Him. I'm yet to get an answer, which leads me to only one choice of action: nothing. Perhaps "wait" is a better term. Yes, maybe I should "take action" and find out that way if this is what God wants. But I've been praying for opportunities, and I'm yet to have one this semester. I think that says something.

Is it possible that I had opportunities last semester and didn't take them? That leads back to the wonderful world of regret. Which would make me wonder if the choices I made were God's, or my own. Regrets are inevitable, but we can't dwell on them. There's hardly enough time in the present to spend it living in the past.

My point is this: I know that something isn't right in my life, and I know what I want. It's only logical to think that in this case, what I want and what God wants are one in the same. But that's a big assumption to make about God. So I've been praying, and the only answer I get seems to be "wait." If that's what God wants, then it will be the best option. If that's what I want, I need to make a change. I'm not likely to destroy God's divine plan just by asking her out, and I'm trying hard to make sure that I'm not just hiding behind Him. Then again, if this is what God wants, it won't fail. So I'll continue to pray for clarity, and for opportunities to talk to her. I'll keep praying for my brother and sisters, who I haven't seen in a year. And I would appreciate your prayers on both of these topics, because right now, I need all the help I can get.