Posted 3:06 AM by Robert
I had a vision earlier today. It was an idea to write a book. Go with me on this idea: the book would be called, "Representin': How a Kid from Philadelphia Found His Way to Central Illinois," or something along those lines. It would be the story of my spiritual pilgrimage, how I've learned to listen to God and follow his direction, and the lessons I've learned along the way. But the main theme would be that I was "representin'" God the whole time. I think it would make for an interesting story, maybe.

I also had a revelation. We shouldn't just listen to God's answer to a prayer; we should imitate the action. If He says yes to something, that's not just a yes -- that's a "go do it." If He says no, our action should be to not take that action. And if He tells us to wait, that's just what we should do: wait. But there's one other option. God always answer's a prayer, it's just a matter of when. So when you pray about something and don't get a definitive yes or no, what are you left to do? Absolutely nothing. If God's not giving you an answer, that's because he doesn't want you to have it at that point.

I've been a walking paradox the last several days. I like this girl, but I don't want to see her or run into her. I want to ask her out, but I don't run into her. Whenever I don't see her, I wish she was there. I want to talk to her, but I don't know what to say. I see her with a group of friends, and I don't think she would even be interested in me. I see her by herself, and I'm filled with hope, wishing that I could go talk to her. And then she's gone in the blink of an eye, rushing off to somewhere else. I feel like everything I've typed in my previous posts is true, and yet could be tossed out the window (have you noticed yet that I am the Drama King?).

People have said that there's no room for regrets in life, but I can't help it. Not all of my choices have had the results I desire. This makes me wish I had made a different choice, or done something differently. I am unhappy with what has happened, wondering what could have been. A regret is born.

Two summers ago, while I was living in New Jersey, we found a small frog swimming around in our pool. I decided to take it in and keep it in a bucket, caring for it as my own. But a few hours later, I thought to myself, "Why should I capture this frog and imprison it? I should just let it go back to its own environment, living in the backyard, and possibly swimming in the pool." So I released it. The next day, when I went outside, I saw the frog on the concrete, dead. I tried to do the right thing by not keeping a frog that wasn't meant to live in captivity, for lack of a better term. Ironically, if I had kept the frog, he probably would've survived. The fact is, we can't know which choice is better until we see the end result. And even so, we have no way of knowing if the other option would've been better or worse.

Wednesday, January 28, 2004, marked the one year anniversary of my return to Illinois. More importantly, it means that it has been exactly one year since I last saw my brother and sisters. I can't even how much bigger they've gotten, and how much more they've learned to say. Even to this day, I sometimes feel as if I abandoned them. But I know I did the right thing by coming back to Naperville and following God. I wasn't trying to leave my siblings. In fact, at the time, I assumed I'd be coming back to visit them. I didn't know that it would be the last time I saw them. I wonder what would hurt more: knowing you were leaving someone for the last time, or not knowing that you'll never see them again.

Let me correct myself. There is one way to know which option would be better or worse. If it's what God wants, it will be the better option. I could have stayed in New Jersey, with my dad and my brother and sisters, but it wasn't what God wanted for me. If I hadn't come back to Illinois, I wouldn't have gotten involved with the youth group again. I wouldn't have learned to cling to God with everything I've got. I wouldn't have had the experience of working as a patient transporter at Edward Hospital. I wouldn't have discovered my calling to youth ministry. I wouldn't be driven by the fact that there could be someone like me, who has family they may never see again, and they don't know if their family will ever know Christ. I wouldn't be driven to share the Good News so that those people in my position don't have to worry about their family. And I wouldn't have been led to attend Lincoln Christian College.

I believe everything happens for a reason. Maybe it's the hopeless romantic in me, but there must be a reason I like this girl. There must be a reason I came to LCC this year, instead of last year or next year. There must be a reason that I enjoy volleyball and attended the games, before realizing that this girl was on the team. There must be a reason that we were in the same group in our IDS class. Seriously, almost one hundred people were in that class and divided up into six groups. There must be a reason that we both ended up in that group of sixteen. And there must be a reason that people keep telling me I should find a girl, and that my closest friends keep telling me I should go after this one. Has all this happened, and have I felt this strongly just to like a girl I'll never get close to? The idea seems ludicrous. There simply has to be a bigger reason.

Is it so horrible to want to know if this is God's will for me? Acts 5:38-39 says, "For if their purpose or activity is of human origin, it will fail. But if it is from God, you will not be able to stop these men; you will only find yourselves fighting against God." Of course, that was in reference to the movement of the early church. But the point is the same -- humans are limited, but anything that involves God will not fail. The question is, do I want this to be God's will, even though it's not? Or is He telling me that it is, and I'm just running from the answer?

So I pray for a sign. Not necessarily a flash of lightning, or a burning bush, but what I would call affirmation. In Genesis 24, Abraham sends his servant to find a wife for his son Isaac. When the servant arrives at a well, he asks God to show him the woman he was sent to find through a sign -- the woman will offer him and his camels a drink. And it happens just as he asked. The servant didn't test God or put Him in a box. He didn't doubt his duty; he just wanted God to affirm what he was doing. And that's how I feel. I just want to know that I'm doing what God wants me to do, when He wants me to do it, wherever He wants me to be.

Almost everything I think, feel, and hear points to this girl. But these are all of human origin, as far as I can tell. So I ask God to show me if this is indeed from Him. I'm yet to get an answer, which leads me to only one choice of action: nothing. Perhaps "wait" is a better term. Yes, maybe I should "take action" and find out that way if this is what God wants. But I've been praying for opportunities, and I'm yet to have one this semester. I think that says something.

Is it possible that I had opportunities last semester and didn't take them? That leads back to the wonderful world of regret. Which would make me wonder if the choices I made were God's, or my own. Regrets are inevitable, but we can't dwell on them. There's hardly enough time in the present to spend it living in the past.

My point is this: I know that something isn't right in my life, and I know what I want. It's only logical to think that in this case, what I want and what God wants are one in the same. But that's a big assumption to make about God. So I've been praying, and the only answer I get seems to be "wait." If that's what God wants, then it will be the best option. If that's what I want, I need to make a change. I'm not likely to destroy God's divine plan just by asking her out, and I'm trying hard to make sure that I'm not just hiding behind Him. Then again, if this is what God wants, it won't fail. So I'll continue to pray for clarity, and for opportunities to talk to her. I'll keep praying for my brother and sisters, who I haven't seen in a year. And I would appreciate your prayers on both of these topics, because right now, I need all the help I can get.

Posted 9:04 PM by Robert
Why do I fall for the unattainable girls? Why do I fall for the ones I can't have? Why do I fall for the ones that are out of my league (yes, they are out of my league)?

True, the people we care about are only as "good" as we make them out to be in our minds. These "leagues" and social barriers are created by us. In reality, they don't exist, unless we let them. Which brings me to my next point.

Remember my last post, when I said I had no way of knowing if I should go after this girl, and maybe thinking that I should was just Satan talking? In my Dynamics of Personal Evangelism class yesterday, we discussed spiritual warfare, and how Satan tries to convince us that we're not good enough to evangelize, or we're too sinful to be a witness for Christ. Then it hit me like a sack of potatoes: I was hearing Satan. I was hearing him tell me that I'm not good enough for this girl, that she was better than me. Which, of course, isn't true. She's only unattainable because I've decided she is.

However, there still remains the fact that she may not be interested in me. You know, I'm not her type of guy. And I'm pretty sure that I'm not. What's that you say? "You don't know that." Yeah, I do. Because I know that her type of guy is the one she's going out with.

Okay, I don't know for sure, but I've seen her around campus with another guy. It's just a hunch, but unfortunately, I'm usually right about this sort of thing. I know what you're thinking. "That's because you blew it. You didn't take a chance and talk to her or ask her out." True, but you're also wrong. If she was interested in me, and she wasn't just being friendly, it ended with the first semester. I doubt that I've had a chance since I returned to school. It's in the past, it's over and done with.

Everything happens for a reason. I know I'm here in Lincoln for a reason, but as a hopeless romantic, I had hoped that there was something more, something deeper to that reason. I wanted to think that there was some dream girl out there, perfect for me in every way, and our paths would cross here at LCC. Call it despair, but it just doesn't feel that way anymore. I know I'm throwing myself a pity party, but I feel like I'm destined for solitude.

I'm miserable. Absolutely miserable. This is why I didn't want to date while I was here. But I let myself feel. I let myself become attracted to someone. I let myself want something. And once again, I've been hurt because of my desire. Everything happens for a reason, and I'm still searching for the reason behind all this. Maybe there's "something better" waiting for me. Maybe I'm supposed to learn something. Whatever it is, I'm confident that God will teach me through this. I'll get what I need. Just not what I want. I feel horrible for being so selfish, but I'm sick of waiting for "something better." I want what I want, and I want it now. But things just seem to not go my way.

Everytime I've liked a girl, I thought the world of her. I thought I'd never find anyone better than her (don't worry, I was aware of my state of self-delusion). Of course, time passed, I got over her, and I found someone better. But I'm sick of finding someone better. I'm 19 years old. I want to start dating, and not just for the sake of dating. I want to find someone special and have that special connection. I'm not looking to get married anytime soon, I just want to, for lack of a better term, love someone. Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young sang, "If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with." I don't want to love someone because I'm with her. I want be with her because I love her. I want to love her for who she is, and because she loves me. And I want her to love me for who I am.

So what hurts more? The fact that you're not with that special someone, or the fact that they don't feel the same way about you? Then again, does it really matter? Either way, it sucks.

Posted 12:29 AM by Robert
What is it that causes that sinking, hopeless feeling when you see that certain person? Is it the fact that you're not with them? Is it that they don't know how you feel? Or is that they don't feel the same way in return?

I've realized that there have only been two girls that liked me or wanted to go out with me. One of them had her friend ask me if I would go out with her, but I wasn't interested in her, and I had a crush on someone else at the time. I actually took some initiative with the other girl (the only one I've ever asked out), but I seriously doubt if she ever really liked me at all. And it sucks to think that nobody feels that way about me now.

I know God loves me, and I know nothing can match that love. And I have chased after God and tried to fill every void in my life with Him. So why do I still feel empty? Is that God's way of telling me I should go after this girl? I'm sorry, but it just isn't clear enough of a sign. What if it's Satan talking? What if I'm just creating this idea in my head? How do I really know what God's voice sounds like? It would be so much easier if He were telling me something I didn't want to hear -- it's too easy to think that God's telling me what I want to hear. And believe me, I want it.

Maybe I should have hope. You never know what tomorrow will bring. I mean, in September, the Eagles were 0-2. I had no idea that they would even make it to the NFC Championship Game. I expected to have a roommate when I came back this semester. After all, I had no reason to think otherwise. But the fact is, I have no reason for any hope. I know it sounds like self-pity, but it's true: I just don't get what I want.

Posted 2:34 AM by Robert
For the last month, I'd been wondering what it would be like when I saw her again. Would our eyes meet like in a movie? Would she smile and say hi? Would anything at all happen?

First of all, I'm still upset about the football game. Secondly, you'll want to make sure that you scroll down and read the previous post for this one to make sense. I mentioned last night that there are things I want, and things I need, and nothing that surpasses the pursuit of Christ. Allow me to share with you the conclusion that I've reached.

Just because I want a girlfriend doesn't mean I need one. Maybe God wants me to eventually settle down and have a family -- I don't know. But I know that I don't need a girlfriend at this point in my life. I should be saving what little money I have, not spending it on dates. And the time I would be spending with her could be put to better use, such as working on homework or creating fellowship with my Christian brothers. Besides, Jesus and Paul didn't need a spouse for their ministries. Let me say this: I am not in anyway comparing myself to Jesus or Paul. I could only hope to have an ounce of the impact that Paul had. My point is that solitude does not prohibit the work of God. I know you're thinking that I'm obsessed with this, and you're probably saying, "Take some action. Maybe God wants this." True, but I have no reason to believe that He does, so it's something I'm not going to focus on. Why should I pursue something that God doesn't want?

Just today, I had something else taken out of my life. I am no longer the sound technician for the band that my former roommate started here at LCC (which he, of course, is no longer a part of). Piece by piece, person by person, parts of my life keep getting stripped away. Why should I try to start a relationship when I'm only going to lose it? I should be doing what I can to hold on to the things I hold dear. Nobody but God should be responsible for making such changes in my life (just let me clear something up: I realize that I alone am responsible for my life and my actions. However, as I Christian, I have chosen to submit myself to God's will, so I choose to the things that God desires for me. I'm not just sitting around and waiting for "the Spirit to move me").

So what was it like when I saw her for the first time in over a month? To be honest, there really was nothing magical about it. It happened so fast, I almost didn't realize it was happening. I saw her for a split second, and then we went into the classroom, not a word spoken between us. Yeah, I could have said hi, but I was in a semi-state of shock. My tongue was in my throat, and my heart was in my stomach. But on the other hand, she didn't say anything to me, or smile at me, or even look at me. It was just another reminder that I don't seem to exist to her.

The ends don't justify the means. I shouldn't ask a girl out based on her response, I should do it based on whether or not I want to. So it shouldn't matter if I only speculate that she'll say no. If I want to do it, I should do it. But it's hard to be interested in someone who isn't interested in you. I know you all think that I'm a moron, and to tell you the truth, I'm actually an idiot (I won't deny that). However, I've been this way for 19 years, so why change now?

The point that I'm finally getting to is that I have no reason to ask this girl out, except my own selfish desire. I've prayed night after night, and I'm yet to get a clear response. If I get one, I'll ask her out. Otherwise, I'll just keep my living my life. Go ahead, call me stupid, beat me up, cover my bed in ice. I don't care anymore. I'm tired of getting hurt. Usually, the possibility of something wonderful outweighs the chance of something painful when it comes to decisions like this. But as I've said before, I won't lose what I don't have. And the things that I don't lose won't hurt me. I know it sounds ridiculous, but the absolute last thing I need is something that I want.

I'm just tired of caring.

Posted 11:31 AM by Robert
Anybody who knows me and saw the football games on Sunday knows that I am, excuse the language, incredibly pissed off. Once again, I was forced to watch my beloved Eagles choke in a big game. For the third straight year, with only one year between us and the Super Bowl, we lost. And it's not like we were dominated or anything -- we just plain sucked. Yes, there are more important things in life. But I care about sports, and I care about Philadelphia, and after three years, this is getting old.

This led me to discover a great revelation. You'll think I'm being overdramatic, but I'm not. The fact is, everything I've cared about has left me or hurt me (with the exception of my family). It's true, and I'll prove it. My dad had to move to Philadelphia, and my grandparents moved to Indianapolis after they retired (yes, they still love me, and I'm still close with all of them, but they are distant). I have a brother and two sisters who I love to death, but I'll never see them again. The only girl I've ever asked out called me two weeks later to say that she "just wanted to be friends." Rick Marcum, who has been like a mentor to me, moved to Pennsylvania. Our youth minister, Steve Limiero, is going back to Africa. Even my best friend and college roommate left after one semester. And something as trivial as a sports team, which I have no control over, has managed to break my heart year after year. In fact, all my favorite teams have done that. I know they weren't trying to hurt me, and I know it's not my fault. But all these people or things seem to be leaving my life.

I realize that God is still here, and He's not going anywhere. Which has brought me to my next point: I have everything I need, but not what I want. I'm still alive, I have a place to live, food to eat. I've been spending time with other people in the dorm the last couple days, so I'm doing just fine socially, even without my roommate. God has provided me with whatever it is that I need. But the things I want -- a girlfriend, a championship for a Philly team, money (not a lot, just what I need to get by) -- have been harder to come by. I've done everything I can to put God first in my life and live according to His will, and I'm still having trouble with my priorities.

The only times that I'm miserable are when I don't get what I want. But I still get what I need, and I should be content with that. It doesn't matter if I want a girlfriend, and in the grand scheme of life, it shouldn't matter. Tomorrow, a group of students and faculty from LCC are going to Washington for the March for Life, to protest abortion and support life. And one of our fellow students couldn't return for this semester because he found out that he has leukemia over Christmas break. There are more important things in life than my desire for romance. But nothing is more important than the will of God, and the pursuit of Jesus Christ. Next to Him, everything else is secondary.

Posted 2:13 AM by Robert
They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. Yeah, I guess.

It's been over a month since I've seen the girl. If I was looking forward to coming back to school, she was the reason why. At first, I thought I'd be miserable, not being able to see her. But I figured that I never saw her that much anyway, and I've been single for 19 years, so what difference would another month make. And, of course, I survived those four weeks I had off. I'm not sure if my heart grew fonder or not, but I did go through a lot of different feelings.

Let me fill you in on what happened: a certain friend told me that I should ask this girl out and "take action." In fact, if I didn't do it within a month of returning to school, he threatened to have my bed filled with ice. Another friend e-mailed me to tell me that all this must be happening for a reason, and I should just go ahead and ask her out, because I'm almost 20 years old and I should start doing things like this. So I decided that when I got back and saw her, I would ask her out on a date.

Then I found out that my best friend and roommate would not be returning to school this semester for reasons that don't need exploring at this juncture. I was upset for him, then mad at him, because it's his own fault, and then upset for myself. I mean, I have other friends down here, but he was my roommate; he was always there for me. It's strange not having him here. It's forcing me to be even more outgoing and socialable (which I'm doing), but I still feel like I'm cooped up in my room not doing anything. The thing is, nothing else has changed I'm still doing all the same things I did when my roommate was here -- homework, watching TV, chatting online. The only difference is that he'd be sitting in the room with me. I'm not reverting or being less outgoing, but it still feels like I am.

Anyway, as the next semester approached and break started to end, I couldn't stop thinking about returning to school. I was so anxious about it, I had trouble falling asleep at night. Knowing I'd be alone in the room, wondering what would happen when I asked the girl out. I got to the point where I was sick of thinking about her -- I didn't even want to ask her out anymore.

I finally realized that I didn't need to worry about this. I know enough people here at LCC that I'll have people to talk to in the dorm, or eat with during meals, or go out with on the weekends. Plus, I'll be busy doing homework, and I might even try to get a job. Besides, God will give me the strength I need to get through this. I know for a fact that this is where he wants me to be. Knowing that will make it that much easier.

Since I'm already devoting my life to God, and making this commitment, it only makes sense to devote everything to Him -- including my "love" life. I once heard a girl say that we're willing to give our lives to God, so shouldn't we also let him decide who we date? Which makes me wonder, does God want me to date this girl I've been pining over for two and half months? I know I said I'd ask her out, but is that really what God wants? Yes, I've had three of my closest friends tell me I should go after her, and everything I think about seems to point to this. But how do I really know that it's God's plan?

On top of that, I already know that I'm afraid to even talk to her, I won't deny that. Part of it is just pure fear. I'm afraid of losing whatever connection we have or could have, but you can't lose what you never had (yes, I know, it's a flawed argument). The other part of is self-doubt. It's almost like I'm trying to sabotage myself. "I've never been in a relationship, I won't know what to do. I'll probably just screw it up."

But those doubts are not entirely unfounded. How can I expect someone so far out of my league to be interested in me when we don't know anything about each other. Yes, I'm probably getting ahead of myself, but there's still something else that's bothering me. You see, she's in my Life of Christ II class on Tuesdays and Thursdays at 8 AM, but she wasn't there on the first day. In fact, I still haven't seen her yet this year. Supposedly, she's still at home because her brother just got back from Iraq. And if that's the case, then I'm thrilled for her. But it's an experience in her life that I'm not a part of, and for some reason, it hurts.

Yes, I feel that way for a reason. But there's also a reason that I haven't seen her yet. Maybe God just doesn't want me to jump into this -- I don't know. Which is why I've decided that, despite my friend's "request," I'm not going to set a timetable for this. As great as it would be to have a date for Valentine's Day (which was the deadline to ask her out), I'm not going to force this. If I have to wait until the last day of school, then that's what I'll do. And if it turns into something wonderful, then it will be worth the wait.

So what am I going to do? I'm going to keep praying about it, and I'll probably keep thinking about her. I'll ask God for opportunities to talk to her and ask her out. If I get those opportunities, then I'll use them. And if I don't, then I'll know that it isn't what God wants. But, despite all my fears and anxiety, I certainly know that it's what I want.

Posted 2:20 AM by Robert
I'll bet all y'all thought that I forgot about this, didn't ya? Indeed, I'm back, and I'm updating my blog at 2:00 in the morning.

Actually, I've been busy (and little bit lazy) with moving back to school and starting the spring semester. Classes began today, which means lots of homework. YAY!

Did anybody catch that football game this past weekend? Any one of them, just pick one -- they were all great. My beloved Eagles pulled off a stunning victory in overtime against Green Bay. This just goes to show that Philadelphia sports teams can't do anything the easy way. For example, the Eagles had to fall behind 14-0 in the first quarter, and tie the game after a stunning play on 4th and 26, before winning in OT. And in 1980, the Phillies were winning 4-1 in the top of the 9th in game 6 of the World Series, just three outs from winning their first championship. And of course, they did it the hard way. Tug McGraw loaded the bases before finally striking out Willie Wilson to end the game and the World Series. In fact, the only time a Philly team did it the easy way was 1983, when the 76ers breezed through the playoffs with a 12-1 record and swept the Lakers in the NBA Finals.

Anyway, I'm going to be a nervous wreck this Sunday when Philly plays Carolina for the NFC Championship. And if they do win and advance to Super Bowl XXXVIII, well, you're not going to want to be around me that weekend.

For those of you waiting to see what happens next in the soap opera that is my life, I'll have an update of that tomorrow. Right now, I need to get some sleep.