Posted 3:06 AM by Robert
Happy Leap Day! You probably think I've forgotten about this. And you've probably done the same. I've been wanting to update this for a while, but I keep running out of time. A big reason is because I've spent a lot of time playing Tetris on my cell phone. I just got to level 10, with a score of over 27,000 points, my new record.

I said I was going to explain why I hate Valentine's Day, so I'm finally going to do that now. The basic reason is out of bitterness -- it's always been pretty lonely for me. I've never really had a date for a day that emphasizes love. But that's the second reason I don't like it. There's so much value placed in it that people seem to forget that love is an everyday thing. It's like we have to make a grand gesture on Valentine's Day to show our loved one's how we should always feel. Love in any form is supposed to be celebrated every day, but people seem to forget that and focus all their energy on February 14. And because of companies like Hallmark, love isn't just limited to 24 hours -- it's also commercialized. Now, love can be measured by the number of flowers, the size of a teddy bear, or the price of a card. I realize I'm overexaggerating a bit, but my point is that most people just don't get it. They spend Valentine's Day working to earn someone's love, but love isn't something that can be earned. It can only be given and received; it can only be felt. My best friend Chris put it this way: "It makes the people in love even more in love, and the lonely people even lonelier."

So that's why I don't like Valentine's Day. But that was two weeks ago, and life goes on. This past week for me has been pretty eventful, which I will now discuss, beginning with part one:

Starting with last Friday (the 20th), a bunch of us went to one of our fellow dormmate's house in Normal. There was Craig, Korean Dan, A.C. (my new roommate, who just moved in two weeks ago), myself, and Dan, whose house we went to. He cooked a fantastic meal for us, and then we rented "The Golden Child," starring Eddie Murphy. It was just a great night of hanging out and having a great time with friends. The weekend was pretty normal -- I spent it doing homework, sleeping, doing laundry, and watching TV. On Monday, we had a test in my Pentateuch class (in case you're wondering, the Pentateuch is the first five books of the Bible). But our professor didn't feel like grading any more tests, so he gave the class a group test. Assuming we all did the reading assignments, we received a 99 on it (out of 100). My classes were pretty standard on Tuesday, though there were some great episodes of "Scrubs" and "24" that night. Also, my mouth really started to hurt, and it still does. I think it's my wisdom teeth -- it's the third time since October that this has happened, and if this is like the last two times, it should feel better in a couple days. But I'm starting to think that I'll need to have them pulled this summer, when school's out and I have time to recuperate.

My former roommate and best friend Chris came down to visit on Wednesday, because we had a major concert event on our tiny little campus. David Crowder was here, along with Paul Wright and Telecast. It was awesome -- the concert rocked my socks, and we had a great time. Before the concert, Chris took off his pants (he was wearing gym shorts underneath them), and we hung them from the balcony in the chapel, where a group of us were sitting. We spent a good portion of the night asking each other, "Are those pants? Hey, are those pants?" The bands on stage never saw them, but some of our fellow students got a kick out of seeing them hanging there.

Thursday was a big day, which is going to require a separate post. But I would like to conclude this one with something that I've been thinking about the last several days. You'll recall that I came to the conclusion that I didn't really like this girl, just the possibility that she liked me at some point. Slowly but surely, I'm getting over her and moving on, accepting the fact that she totally ignores me and nothing will ever happen. Of course, there's still a part of me that wants the attention. Which led me to a thought: why should a girl I barely know mean so much to me? I've turned it over and over in my head, and I realized that there is no answer to it. There is no reason that she should mean anything to me, except for her being a sister in Christ. I know I wasn't attracted to her as a person, because I don't know her that well. And there's no way I could be attracted to her unless I got to know her better. The fact that I've come to this conclusion doesn't change anything for me, it's just an observation. Remember, a relationship is based on people, not just feelings.

The words of a song I started writing over two months ago are imitating reality:

"You're just a girl that I once knew,
No need to think that I belong with you.
You're just a girl that I can see
Anywhere except my dreams."

Posted 1:37 AM by Robert
It was a warm day in February; the kind of day that made you glad to be alive. I certainly wasn't expecting much to happen. I really didn't think I'd see her. But strange things seem to occur when we have open dorms. Imagine my surprise when I walked out of my room, and there she was, just standing there . . .

I'm sorry, none of that really happened. I just felt like exercising my creative muscle. The last couple of days, I've been upset, irritated, angry -- I'm not really sure. It's not that bad, but something's been bugging me.

I'll still explain on a later day why I hate Valentine's Day. This year, as a holiday, it sucked. But as a regular day, it was great. I went home for the weekend, and saw the movie "Miracle" with my mom. And I loved it. I wouldn't expect any else to enjoy it as much as I did unless they lived through the events of 1980 or played hockey, but I'd say it's one of my new favorite movies. I also got a nice new cell phone. I did have to change my number, but it saved me a load of money. 630-926-5841 was good to me, but I got 25 great months out of it, and now it's time for those digits to retire.

I can't mention one of the things that's bothering me, because the person that it involves might see this. If you want to know what it is, e-mail me or IM me and I'll tell you. Another thing is that I won't get to play intramural volleyball here at LCC this year, and I was really looking forward to it. One of the guys in the dorm and myself were trying to start a team, but we only had about two days to find people, and we just couldn't get enough people together. The other thing that bugs me about it is that the league is co-ed, so there has to be at least three girls on the court at all times. The reason why this bugs me is because the intramural basketball league last semester was for guys only. I'm all for letting girls play, but it's inconsistent to set a specific number of players for either sex. It's an intramural league -- let people play based on their desire to play, not their gender.

There's always next year, or the chance that I could fill in for somebody in one of the games this year. And I'll probably go to watch some of the games featuring the Beefcake team, which is made up of guys from my dorm. But I'm still kind of bummed, because I really wanted to play. It just reminds me that what I want doesn't compare to what God wants. This lead me to realize something that should've occured to me a long time ago -- everytime I get something I want, it's a direct blessing from God. Seeing a great movie and spending time with my mom is a blessing from God. Getting a great new cell phone for a low price is a blessing from God. In fact, my old phone broke just a week and half before my contract expired, so it was pretty good timing. In the grand scheme of life, it seems insignificant, but it's still more proof that God's plan is better than mine.

The other big thing I've been thinking about hasn't led to a revelation, at least not yet. The issue, of course, has to do with a girl (not the girl here at LCC, another girl from my past). When you stop going out with someone because they dumped you, you assume that they don't like you anymore, and eventually you get over them. And you may keep in touch, but eventually you drift apart, and before you know it, you have absolutely no contact with them at all. Even when you see them in person, they totally ignore you -- no simple "hi," no time of day. It makes you wonder if they ever liked you at all. It's like they never cared. To me, it's amazing how that lack of concern in the present invalidates that relationship and the feelings you used to have. And it's not the same as living in past or not being over that person. It changes your perception of how things are. You thought you were someone that this person liked, but they weren't really attracted to you. So who were you then? And who are you now? It's not exactly an identity crisis, but it does raise questions. Sometimes it makes you wonder why you were attracted to that type of person in the first place.

Despite having all these questions, I was able to answer one of them. This time, it is about the girl here at LCC. In my last post, I mentioned that I wasn't sure if I liked her, or the small amounts of attention she was paying me. I've realized that it was just the attention. There are probably qualities about this girl that I like, but they're secondary. Whenever I've liked a girl, it's been because I thought she liked me, or I wanted her to like me. I guess that happens when you've never had a girlfriend -- you desire a relationship more than a person.

I'm not quite positive about all this, but I am going to keep exploring it. It's a dilemna, and I want the answer. Mentally speaking, I know where I stand, and I know that wherever I'm going, the solution will involve God somehow. It's mostly a matter of how I'll get there.

Posted 2:20 PM by Robert
"I hate Valentine's Day." The bitter words of a hopeless romantic. I'll explain further in a later post why I hate February 14.

I haven't updated this in a while, mainly because I haven't had much to talk about. But I wanted to update my blog before I went home for the weekend -- I have to get a new cell phone and a new plan, and I'll probably go see the movie "Miracle" with my mom. Besides, it's not like I'll miss anything here in Lincoln on Valentine's Day.

I've been trying to figure out if I really like this girl. I think one of the main reasons I was attracted to her was because it seemed like she might like me, which meant that she was showing me some attention. It wasn't much, but there were those little things, like a smile, or saying "Hey" when she walked past me. There was also a strange incident when I walked into the classroom and she said to me, "Robert, you're on time today. Good job." What made that so odd was that I was always on time for that class -- in fact, I usually showed up before her. And let's not forget the time she borrowed my pen for the IDS final.

It's not often that a girl pays attention to me. I mean, I don't overanalyze it when a girl says hi to me, but beyond that, I don't have a lot of contact with the opposite sex. So why did I like this girl in the first place? Was I attracted to her, or the possibility that a girl liked me? Do I want her or the attention? Honestly, I don't know.

This kind of leads back to the idea of "You'll never know unless you ask." I'll never know for sure if she'd go out with me unless I ask her. And I'll never if I like her unless I go out and spend time with her.

2 Timothy 1:7 says, "For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline." I know God doesn't want me to be afraid to talk to a girl. And what really struck me was when I saw that passage of scripture translated in the The Living Bible. I can't remember how it was worded exactly, but I recall a part that said, "God does not want us to be afraid of people." Paul was writing about sharing our faith, but that still got me, because that's how I feel -- in a way, I'm afraid of this girl.

I know that the only practical thing for me to do is to talk with her, get to know her, and maybe ask her out later. But it's just not going to happen. We run in different crowds, we're not going to just run into each other on campus. It's up to me to seek her out and take some action, but I'm not going to do it. I know I should, and I want to, but I won't. It's not that I can't, I'm just not going to do it. I know you think I'm an idiot, and believe me, I know -- I'm the one that has to look at myself in the mirror everyday. I guess it's like Morpheus said in "Matrix: Reloaded" -- "Some things never change, and some things do." I have no good argument for this, it's just who I am.

Posted 6:29 AM by Robert
"Lord, I don't know where all this is going." -- Newsboys

I had a revelation Wednesday night. But I'm not going to tell you what it is yet. First, I'm going to comment on the sad state of affairs in our society. It's certainly saying something when a movie like "You Got Served" is number one in the nation, or when those new McDonald's commercials result in a 13% increase in sales.

My friend Will (you know who you are) called me other night just to say hi and to chat. It was much appreciated; I really enjoyed talking with him again. And the conversation was also somewhat useful and practical. He echoed a point that I had also been concerned with -- sometimes we tend to hide behind God and wait for a sign, like a burning bush or the literal Voice of God. In an earlier post, I mentioned that I wasn't waiting for a "big sign," just some sort of affirmation. However, I've come to realize that I was still incorrect in my thinking.

In my Dynamics of Personal Evangelism class, we've been reading a book called "The Ragamuffin Gospel," by Brennan Manning (if you like reading and have time, I would definitely suggest this title). The main subject of the book is accepting the grace of God, but there was one sentence that seemed to stand out to me: "The gospel of grace calls us to sing of the everyday mystery of intimacy with God instead of always seeking for miracles or visions." By itself, this doesn't say a lot, but it got me thinking in a different type of direction.

On Thursday, I heard a quote from E. Stanley Jones, who wrote a book, among others, called "A Song of Ascents." This is what it said: "Prayer is surrender -- surrender to the will of God and cooperation with that will. If I throw out a boat hook from a boat and catch hold of the shore and pull, do I pull the shore to me, or do I pull myself to the shore? Prayer is not pulling God to my will, but the aligning of my will to the will of God."

It didn't matter how big of a sign I was asking for, what mattered is that I was asking for a sign. I thought I wasn't putting God in a box, because I was being "flexible" with this affirmation. But what I was really doing was saying, "God, this is what I want you to tell me, just tell me when." I was trying to pull the shore to me. What I should have done was say, "God what do you want to tell me?" Instead of seeking a miracle or vision, I should have looked for intimacy with God. I've caught hold of the shore, now I just need to pull myself in and align my will with God's (I'd like to think that I'm on the right path -- I've already been corrected and realized my error).

I've wondered if the reason I'm wrestling with this is because I'm afraid. Perhaps the reason I wanted any type of sign is because deep down, I already know the answer, so I don't need a sign. Which means I won't get one. And if don't get one, I can satisfy that fear by not taking any action. Is that what I'm doing -- am I hiding behind God? I don't know, but finding that intimacy will lead me towards an answer.

I thought that not getting an answer to my earlier prayers was God's way of telling me to simply wait. I kept praying about it, and I was right to do that. But this whole idea of wanting an "affirmation" made me think that I should keep waiting. I wasn't being intentional with my prayers; I wasn't drawing close enough to God. I spent so much time looking for a specific purpose that I wasn't following my main purpose -- being near my Lord.

After all that, my revelation doesn't seem like much. If anything, this seems more like a revelation. However, I think of adjusting my prayer life as more of a re-alignment; a calibration, if you will. Anyway, this is what I realized Wednesday night:

I've mentioned in previous posts that there are more important things in life than wanting a girlfriend, or other similar desires. Instead of worrying about those things, I should be focused on God and what He wants. It's not that those are unimportant, they're just less important. But I had been going about this all wrong. I shouldn't have the approach that those things are less important. I should've realized that if God can do the big things, like heal sick people, move mountains (which He does, patitently and steadily), and forgive us for our sins, then He can easily handle the little things, like giving us the things that we want. He may not want us to have those things, but if He does, we shouldn't worry, because we know He'll take care of them.

So that's it for now. I need to go to bed. The truth is, I was planning on completing this four hours ago, but I ended up hanging out with a couple of the other guys in the dorm. We didn't do much, just played online games, and DDR (Dance Dance Revolution) on PlayStation 2. Let me put it this way: it's a good thing no one else saw us. But we had a good time just goofing around and staying up late, which made it all worthwhile. And now I really need to go. Fun earlier. Sleep now. Sleep later.

Posted 11:15 PM by Robert
How about that Super Bowl, eh?

I have to admit, it turned out to be pretty exciting at the end. I expected New England to get into a rhythm on offense sooner or later, but I was surprised that Carolina played as well as they did in the second half. In the end, it was the Patriots' consistency on both sides of the ball that gave them the win. I've heard a lot of people say that the Pats didn't deserve to be in the big game. Let me say this: I think they are overrated. But they were also the best overall team in the AFC. Players like Peyton Manning and Priest Holmes are better than anyone on New England, but their teams weren't as well-rounded as the Patriots.

At the same time, Carolina is also very overrated (and I'm not just saying that because they beat my Eagles). In fact, I would say that either St. Louis or Green Bay is a better team, but they didn't show up when they need to. I will give the Panthers credit for not giving up and fighting until the end. On the other hand, New England didn't play up to their potential, and gave Carolina a chance to hang on late in the game. The score wasn't quite what I expected, and though I'd say the outcome is accurately portrayed, the fact that it was so close only represents the last two quarters. Carolina played horribly in the first half, which I think caused the Patriots to relax a little bit. But both teams stepped up their game when it counted most.

I thought there was a pretty good group of commercials this year. Whatever you think about beer and alcohol, Budweiser and Bud Light once again had the best ads, as they usually do. My personal favorites were the ones with the biting dog, the donkey that wanted to be a Clydesdale, the flatulent horse, and the referee with a nagging wife. Chevrolet had an amusing ad with the kids that needed their mouths washed out with soap. And if you were watching after the game, Subway also aired what I thought was a funny commercial. There was also a really weird commerical for Gillette, apparently explaining how great shaving is. I'm sorry, but I've never had such a "wonderful" experience when I've shaved.

And I can't help but to comment on the halftime show. Did you see the incident with Justin Timberlake and Janet Jackson? I'm sorry, but that was just uncalled for. It was an absolute disgrace (if you didn't see it, after singing "Rock Your Body," Justin tore off part of Janet's outfit, exposing her bare breast). When I first saw it, it seemed like it was planned, since it looked like Janet had something covering her nipple. But I just read an article about it, saying that the event wasn't planned, and everyone involved was deeply sorry. That would explain why the network quickly cut away and didn't comment on it. In fact, Justin had this to say about it:

"I am sorry that anyone was offended by the wardrobe malfunction during the halftime performance of the Super Bowl," Timberlake said in a statement. "It was not intentional and is regrettable."

Wardrobe malfunction? Pulling off an article of clothing is not a wardrobe malfunction. I find it hard to believe that they didn't plan it, but that doesn't change anything. Besides that, the halftime show sucked anyway. It was nothing but hip hop (seriously, go away hip hop!). But that can be attibuted to the fact that MTV produced it. And that's because Viacom owns both CBS, the network that broadcasted the game, and MTV. The funny thing is, the NFL said "it's unlikely that MTV will produce another Super Bowl halftime." I'm sorry, but that just amuses me.

Another football season over, and at this point, I couldn't care less. Six months until training camp starts, and the Eagles begin their next quest to choke in a big game. On the other hand, Philadelphia's arena football team debuts next week, Spring Training begins for the Phillies in less than three weeks, and NASCAR starts again in two weeks. At least I've got a couple of things to look forward to, until they disappoint me as well. But I don't want to end this on such a sour note, so let me say this: "Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow!"

Posted 3:59 AM by Robert
No matter what kind of mood I'm in, back-to-back episodes of "The Rockford Files" always cheer me up.

I've been thinking a lot lately. And I'm sick of it. Not because it hurts or anything semi-humorous like that, but because I don't have any answers. Allow me to list the items running laps in my head:

1) Choices. As you'll recall from my last post, I discussed the idea of regrets, and how it's difficult to know what choice we should make, because we're never sure of the outcome until it happens. Today, I watched the movie "Groundhog Day" in the cafeteria with a couple of friends. Truly a great movie. But that's not my point.

In the movie, Bill Murray plays Phil Connors, a sarcastic and bitter weatherman who goes to Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania, to cover the annual tradition of Punxsutawney Phil, a groundhog whose shadow will supposedly determine how much longer winter will last. However, he's forced to repeat the same day over and over and over and over . . . you get the idea.

Eventually, he knows everything that's going to happen, and when and where it will take place. As the same day continues, Phil uses this knowledge to help the people around him. He helps some old ladies change a tire, catches a boy who falls out of a tree, and feeds a homeless man, just to name a few things. The cycle is broken once he falls in love with his producer, Rita, played by Andie MacDowell.

What really struck me about the movie was that Phil had numerous chances to live the same day again and again, to make a different decision, to choose a better result. Basically, he got a do-over until he got it right. How many times do we wish we could relive a day just once and do something differently? I know I've been there. Of course, I know that's why I don't have that ability, and that's why I'm not God. If everything happens for a reason (as I believe it does), we can't go back and change something. It would alter the course of our lives, and allow us to choose something based solely on the outcome. As I've said before, the ends don't justify the means. We determine what we do by the way it relates to our set of core values and beliefs -- who we are -- not because the end result is nice and comfortable.

After sin came into the world, God didn't just give up and start over again. Yes, He did send a flood, but that didn't involve destroying the earth or recreating mankind. He didn't redesign the universe, He just cleansed what was already there. It's a rough analogy, but I think it works: God didn't throw out the fish tank because the water was dirty -- He just cleaned the water and fish that were in the tank. I hate to say that it was do-over, because that sounds like it was a mistake. Which it wasn't. God knew that we would sin, but we're His creation, and He loves us. He hates the sin, but He loves us anyway. So He gave us second chances, and third chances, and more chances than we deserve. The Flood wasn't a do-over, it wasn't Creation: Part II. It was another chance for us to get it right. Sending Christ into the world wasn't a do-over either, it was a chance for salvation. And what we do with it is our choice.

If we mess up, we don't get to repeat the event. We may get another chance to correct the situation, to rectify it, but that one moment in time is gone. All we can do is wait and hope for an opportunity to make things right. And that's all I have on this topic for now, but I feel like there's another idea waiting to be discovered.

2) Something doesn't feel right in my life, and I don't know what. Am I missing something? Someone? Is there something I should be doing? Something I'm forgetting? And why haven't I figured it out yet? I can't put my finger on it, but something seems to be missing, or out of place, or being done the wrong way. I don't know what it is, and I don't know what's wrong with it. Right now, it's just a vague, hazy feeling. I can only have faith that whatever it is will be resolved or revealed to me at the proper time, and that I'll know what to do when that happens.

3) Something feels different. In this case, it has to do with the girl. I'm kind of tired as referring to her as "the girl," but I haven't been able to bring myself to actually type her name.

I don't know what, but it doesn't seem like it was last semester. If there was some sort of attraction between us, some type of connection, it's not there. I think it's very possible that there was a faint connection I didn't notice until it was gone. She was also working at the last three basketball games, selling tickets and checking student IDs. And it just seems strange because she didn't do anything like that last semester.

In addition, she got her hair cut really short yesterday. Don't get me wrong, she's still hot, and I would still go out with her. Of course, that was never my primary reason for being attracted to her (or thinking that I am), just a nice bonus. To quote one of the professors here at LCC, the legendary Doc Henderson, "A good girl is like mashed potatoes, and good looks are just the gravy. The potatoes are already good without the gravy, but the gravy is also nice." It sounds strange, but it's true.

I know it sounds ridiculous for someone in my position to say, but things just seem different. I'm not saying that this "feeling" or her working at the basketball games or her haircut are in anyway related, or some sort of sign, or even important, for that matter. They all just seem to hint at the fact that something feels different, or changed. Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm paranoid. Maybe I'm nuts. Maybe I'm an idiot.

I just I wish I knew what to do with all of this. Are the three things I listed connected? I don't know. I keep trying to pray about it, but no answer so far. I'm not giving up, just puzzled. Maybe I'm not praying about the right things. Maybe I'm not approaching this the right way. Maybe I'm not doing the things I'm supposed to be doing, even though I think I am. Whatever is going on my life, I just want to know what it is so I can do something about it -- hopefully the right thing.