Posted 2:30 AM by Robert
I've been home from school for one week now, but I'm not sure how much I've accomplished. I unpacked my boxes and I'm almost settled into my room in the basement, and I applied for a delivery job at Domino's Pizza, but I haven't heard back yet. I played in our church softball team's game Thursday night (we won, 6-5), and I went to the DMV today to change the address on my license and register to vote in the upcoming election. Also, I finally got connected to the Internet. It's wireless, and I love it!

I guess I haven't totally wasted this last week. But that's not why I'm writing this entry. No, my reason for this post is a dream I had last night, and it went like this . . .

I was still at school, in the dorm with a bunch of these other guys. We were packing up and getting ready to move out, and I was cleaning my room. My roommate had already left, but for some reason, my first roommate still had all of his stuff on his desk, and I had to pack it up. While I was doing this, a girl who happened to be one of Megan's best friends came into the room, looked around, and left. Then, Megan came into the room, plugged in a vacuum cleaner, and starting vacuuming.

The fact that girl was in my room didn't surprise, as much as the fact that it was Megan. Apparently, it was Open Dorms, and a bunch of girls were in our dorm to help us clean (it was one of these times where you already knew what was going on without being told. You know what I'm talking about). And, for some reason unbeknownst to me, Megan chose to vacuum my room. I actually talked to her, saying hi, and asking her how things were going. I don't remember what her answers were, but somehow I was able to hear her over the sound of the vacuum. The dream ended after that, just like the school year -- without me asking her out.

Just having the dream was strange enough. I really haven't thought that much about Megan since I got home, which is a good thing. And as far as I can tell, this was just a dream, not a subconscious message. I'm not going to pay any more attention to it, unless I have another dream like it tonight. Then I'll assume that God's trying to tell me something.

Posted 3:26 AM by Robert
Here I am, sitting at my computer at 3 in the morning. School is done. I've finished my finals, and all that's left to do is pack up, load my car, and drive home. That means I'm here at LCC for one more day. One more day to talk to Megan. But I won't. Whether or not she likes me (though I think she does), she will be remembered as "the one that got away." It's likely that I won't see her tomorrow; I'm sure she'll be leaving at some point in the afternoon. I've considered e-mailing her at her school address, in case she checks it one more time before our accounts are erased in June. As I said before, the thing I'm most concerned with at this point is just telling her how I feel. But e-mail still seems cheesy. It's in the back of my mind, but I probably won't do it.

There's an old French proverb: "Plus ca change, plus c'est la meme chose" -- "The more things change, the more they stay the same." No matter what, things will be just as they are now. Philadelphia sports teams will always come close to a championship, only to fail. I'll always suffer through heartache and disappointment. I'll always want to say how I feel, but keep it bottled up inside. I'll always want to take a risk and do something bigger than myself, but choose to play it safe and take the easy way out instead. No matter what, I'll always be that person. It's who I am. But I don't want to be that empty shell of a man. I want to be something more.

Lord, I want to be something more. I need to be something more. At this point, I just need a miracle . . .

Posted 2:22 AM by Robert
No, no, I haven't forgotten about this, I've just been lazy. The times when I've wanted to update my blog, I haven't had the time, and when I've had the time, I haven't felt like it. Either I didn't know what to say, or I just didn't want to confront my own thoughts.

I should be in a good mood, but I'm not. Classes ended on Wednesday, and finals begin Monday. I've already taken two of them in class, so I've only got three finals left next week. Besides studying, I basically have nothing to do.

However, I'm kind of bummed out because I won't be seeing the guys in the dorm until next year (then again, I'm sure that the summer won't be long enough). On top of that, my beloved Philadelphia Flyers lost to Tampa Bay, and are losing the Eastern Conference Finals, 2 games to 1. We're so freakin' close to actually winning the Stanley Cup this year, but instead we're going to blow it.

I'm sure by now you're wondering, "What about that girl? Have you talked to her yet?" Come on, we all know the answer to this. No, I haven't talked to Megan. I've spent the last two months being a wuss and not talking to her. Actually, at this point, fear isn't the biggest issue. Of course, I'm still afraid, but the lack of time left in the school year is more of an obstacle.

I shouldn't be afraid to talk to her. As far as I can tell, she might actually like me. A couple weeks ago, one of the other guys in the dorm said that while we were at dinner, she kept staring at me. And I know he wasn't just saying that and pulling my leg. Yet I just can't get up the courage to talk to her. What more motivation could I need? There's a strong possibility that she likes me, and I'm running out of time . . . but I sit here and do nothing about it.

After another week, I'll probably never see her again. At this point, I can deal with not dating her. I'd like to at least be friends with her, and keep in touch through e-mail, or something along those lines. More than anything, I just want her to know that I like her.

When it comes to "love," I have nothing but failure, and it's mostly my own fault. I've only asked out one girl, and the timing was horrible. The timing was also bad with Megan, although, as I look back, I realize that I had all the time in the world, and I wasted it. I'm still wasting it now. But my point is, I'm either afraid to talk, or I have bad timing. I don't think those are qualities that the ladies desire.

I know, I'm whining about it. And I have only myself to blame. I really want to talk to Megan, just for a few minutes. But it would have to be in person. Calling her seems inappropriate, and writing her a letter seems creepy.

I need to go out on a ledge, I need to take a risk. The chance to tell Megan how I feel far outweighs the risk of looking like an idiot, so why can't I act on it?

At first thought, life sucks right now. But I really don't have any room to complain. Compared to most people, I've got it made. I mean, I know things could be worse. My question is, why can't they be better?

Posted 3:13 AM by Robert
Sunday, March 21, 2004, 12:57 AM - If you're reading this, hopefully I've made it. But, if not, then these words are the only account you'll have of this incident. In the last 33 hours, we've suffered through two power outages, the phones are out of service, and had no Internet access. We may be without it until Monday. Tensions are running high. People are at their breaking point. Time stands still. I have seen the edge, and it's a dark, lonely place.

Okay, that's only a half-truth. Our campus did experience a partial power outage Friday afternoon. One of the transformers blew, and some rooms didn't have any electricity. Anything on a surge protector (such as my computer) seemed to be unaffected, and the larger appliances (like microwaves, TVs, refrigerators, and Internet routers) just wouldn't work. Power was eventually restored a few hours later, but until then, most of the campus was dark. It was an eerie, yet beautiful sight. Then, today, they shut off all the electricity from 12 - 2 PM to fix the problem. That meant no lunch in the cafeteria, so I went out with a couple of friends to Cracker Barrel. But there's still no Internet or phone service, so I'm typing this Saturday night and saving it until I can publish it (note: the Internet was up again by Sunday afternoon). As a result of all this, things have been kind of interesting, but for the most part, this week has, well, sucked.

No, it's true. The highlight of my week has been finding a dead mouse in my room Monday night (it was a highlight because I finally found what was causing the smell). But my week really has sucked. I've been pretty miserable, stemming from the opening line of my last post. That's right - I've fallen for a girl I don't have a chance with. But before I tell you about it, I need to wrap up the past.

The other girl that I used to go on and on about - remember how I felt like I couldn't even bring myself to type her name? Well, to be honest, I'm over her, so now it's no trouble for me to tell you that her name is Jeni McLaughlin. She's a freshman from Mason City, which is about 20 miles south of Lincoln. She's a business major, and she was on the LCC volleyball team this year. In fact, if you go to www.lccs.edu/athletics, select volleyball, and click on the 2003 roster/profiles, you can look at the profiles for everyone on the team and see her picture. I think she's a nice person, but she's just not my type (I know some of you won't believe me, but I'm really not attracted to her anymore). Indeed, there's another girl who has caught my eye. Her name is Megan, and she was on my Week of E trip last week.

Here's the thing you've got to know about this: she's been in a few of my classes these past two semesters, but I never really talked to her. For a while, I had the crazy idea that she might have a crush on me. Nothing too convincing, just smiling at each other once or twice, and making eye contact on occasion, such as in class or at our Week of E meetings. I know, it's ridiculous, which is why I never acted on it. So I didn't think much about her being on this trip, just, "Hey, maybe she likes me." But, throughout the trip, as I spent time around her, listened to her talk, and got to know her better, I couldn't help but feel a certain way.

Now, here's the other thing you need to know: remember before, when I was talking about Jeni, and I said that I was more interested in having her like me than I was in liking her? I wanted the relationship more than I actually wanted the person. But, with Megan, it was completely different. I started off with the possibility that she might have liked me, and whether or not she did, I ended up liking her. I spent part of the week trying to figure out if she actually did like me (don't get me wrong, that didn't take priority over my service to the Lord), and I've concluded two things. First, I don't know if she likes me (I know, it would be a lot easier if I would just ask her). Second, it doesn't matter. I mean, it matters to some extent. But, in a way, it doesn't matter how she feels, because I know how I feel, and I know that I want the person, not just the relationship.

But, like I said before, there would be no future to that relationship, and I'm not just saying that. The first night of our trip, on our way to Naperville, we were all in the van talking, and she said that she's transferring to Ozark Christian College next year. And she's going to be working at a camp all summer, so I don't think she'd be interested in a relationship that's only going to last two months. But here's the kicker: just a few days before this trip, I was thinking to myself that, even though I've never had a real girlfriend, I'm starting to approach an age where, why would I want to be with anybody that I'm not going to spend the rest of my life with? I mean, I'm almost 20, why go through a bunch of messy break-ups? I'm not saying I want to marry the first girl that comes along, but why can't that first girl also be the right girl?

So, having come to this conclusion, and knowing that Megan will be gone at the end of this year, I fell for her anyway. I honestly believe God was slapping me across the head with a valuable lesson: love (for lack of a better term) does not know the restraints of time or geography. Where a person will be in the future doesn't change the way you feel about them now.

On top of that, I'm not quite sure if she likes me. Maybe there's reason to believe that she does, but I've never been good at "picking up signals." And it's mostly little things that are probably just in my head. For example, sometimes I would catch her looking, sometimes staring, at me (of course, that's because I was looking at her), but she wouldn't look that way at anyone else. There's also the way she said, "Goodnight Robert," when I was dropped off at my host house on Sunday night. Or the time that three of us were standing around, and even though she was talking about the other person, she was looking right at me the whole time. And on Thursday, when we were in the city, we were going up and down a lot of escalators, and just to be funny, I took the stairs and walked right alongside the group. Everybody chuckled, but Megan kept smiling at me. In fact, that same day, six of us went for a ride on the metro (which, as I previously mentioned, is the subway system in Montreal). We decided to ride it until the end of the line, switch tracks, and ride back to the station. As we stood on the platform and tried to figure out where to go, I turned around, and she was literally standing right behind me. She was so close that I almost stepped on her foot. There were also a couple other times later in the week that, when she walked past me, she would brush up next to me, even though there was plenty of room. And I know there was plenty of room, because nobody else would walk near me.

Also, when we were back in Chicago Saturday night, and we ate at Wendy's, we were the last two people in line. As it bended around the corner in front of the register, I stood off to the side so that she could go ahead of me. After she ordered, as she stood there waiting for her food, she looked at me and said with a smile, "I'm sorry, Robert." To which I replied, "Oh, no, I let you go ahead of me," and then I smiled. And she just stood there and smiled, and kept looking at me.

I know, I know, I could solve all of this by just talking to her. And believe me, I want to. I felt like I couldn't approach Jeni, like was I afraid of her. But I actually feel like I can talk to Megan. It's still hard, especially when I know how I feel, and I don't know how she feels. If all this has taught me anything, it's this: not to look for some sort of sign from God (which I did before), and to be persistent in prayer, as I try to figure out what to do. I'm not looking for some sort of deep, involved relationship, but I really want to get to know her, and at least be friends with her. I know I just need to talk to her.

Easier said than done. It sounds crazy, but it almost feels like God Himself is making sure we don't end up together. I'd like to think that I felt some sort of connection between Megan and I - maybe I'm just making something out of nothing because that's how I want it - but, at times, it seemed like something would happen that kept us from talking or being near each other, like there was some sort of interference. Believe me, I'm not using this as an excuse. In fact, I'm probably just imagining all of this and projecting it, but I don't know what to do. I've always believed that it really is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. But what's the point of starting a relationship that will only last two months? The only reason I have to act on these feelings is because I want to, and it's pointless if she doesn't feel the same way in return. And even if she does, she may not want to get involved in anything.

At the same time, it's like I'm putting God in a box. If something did happen between us, who's to say that it wouldn't last longer than two months? I don't want to hide behind "God's plan," but I'm not sure what to do now. I don't want to sit around and wait, I don't want to be afraid. I need to trust God, and at some point, I need to take action. But where is that point?

I'm sorry, I know this has been another long post. If you have any thoughts or suggestions for me, or if you want to yell at me for being an idiot, feel free to e-mail me or IM me (if you're reading this, I assume you know my address and screen name). I have no other way to end this post than with a song that's been stuck in my head. In fact, I mentioned it in of my very first entries. It's not completely relevant, but the first part of it seems to fit:

"There's a girl, right next to you
And she's just waiting for something to do.
And there's a rose in a fisted glove,
And the eagle flies with the dove.
And if you can't be with the one you love,
Love the one you're with."
-Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young

Posted 1:42 AM by Robert
It's happened again. I've fallen for a girl with whom I have no future.

I'm going to leave you in suspense for a while with that. For this post, I'm going focus on my trip to Canada. I had a great time, and I kind of wish it didn't end.

The journey got off to a great start. Before we left the school, I found out that the church we were going to stay at Friday night was none other than my home church of Naperville Christian Church. It was quite a pleasant surprise -- it's not like I was scared or worried, but it just felt like God was saying, "Relax, I've got this under control. I'm taking care of you." After the two hour drive, we arrived at the church around 8:30 PM, and I got to meet the new youth minister and see a bunch of my friends (you people know who you are). Those of us who didn't go to bed super-early played a card game, and then turned in around 10:30 PM. That's probably the earliest I've gone to sleep in the last 5 years, but we had to wake up at 5 AM. Saturday morning, we went from the church to O'Hare, and after circling the airport 3 times because we kept missing the terminal, we finally made it. Our plane left at 9:10 AM, and we arrived in Montreal around noon eastern time. Getting through customs was relatively easy, but it took us over an hour to find the car rental agency and the person who was picking us up (we needed two vehicles, but we were able to rent only one). After getting a bite to eat at Wendy's (the ones in Canada give you 6 nuggets instead of 5), we headed over to Station 7, a drop-in center for teens in the suburb of Chateauguay. It's a really cool concept -- a place for teenagers to just hang out, listen to music, play pool, air hockey, or board games, and just be with people who care about them. The people who manage it, Teddy and Linda Hoare (Teddy's the one that met us at the airport), are very godly people, and they don't necessarily preach at the kids who come to the Station, but they will talk to them and use it as tool to invite them to church. They're amazing people who have a huge heart for people, specifically youth.

We were taken to the homes we'd be staying at to drop off our luggage, and then we relaxed at the Station for a couple of hours, before the kids started coming at 7 PM, and spent the rest of the night hanging out with them. You wouldn't think that Canada is that bad, but the town of Chateauguay is a very dark community -- in some ways, Satan himself has a tight grip on the area. There are only two churches of Christ in the whole province of Quebec, and for the one we went to on Sunday (which was a baptist church), 150 people at a service was a lot. By comparison, my home church averages close to 300 people on Sundays, and that's less than other churches in the area. The kids come from unloving homes, which leads them to look for affection in other places. As a result, Teddy and Linda opened a crisis pregnancy center at the Station called Options. The whole ministry that they have is awesome, and the town certainly needs it.

Most of the kids in Chateauguay are into punk music, and their fashion matches it. The general style reminds me of what I saw here in the States during my junior and senior years in high school. Almost everyone I met had dyed their hair, and something besides their ears pierced (I'm not saying that's bad, I'm just trying to paint a picture). And the smoking -- seriously, everybody smokes, including some of the kids. The only people who didn't smoke were Teddy and Linda, and our host families. Even though the area is predominantly French, English seemed to be the language of choice. Most of the people could speak both, but they appeared to be more fluent in English. All the street signs, stores, and food labels were in French, but you wouldn't hear it very often, at least not in casual conversation. I was amazed to hear the kids talk about how much they hated French -- it was one of the few times I've heard someone promote the English language. Sometimes, it was easy to forget that you weren't in America.

Saturday was a long and tiring day for us, but after the kids went home at 11 PM, we were able to go back to our host homes. I stayed with a family of four, including two boys, whose ages I think were 13 and 11, or something like that. I know, it sounds terrible, because I don't know their ages. But I got to know the whole family, and I really enjoyed staying with them. And they loved having me. I thought I'd be nervous about being with people I didn't know, but I was comfortable the whole time. All in all, it was a very positive experience. Sunday morning, we got up and went to church, where our group, in teams of two, led the Sunday school classes. I taught the high school group with the only other guy on the trip, Tim, and discussed the story of Joseph, who was sold into slavery but later became the second most powerful man in Egypt. During the church service, which was completely led by Teddy, Linda, and all the teens, we sang two songs ("Open the Eyes of my Heart" and "Shout to the Lord"). After that, we went back to the Station for what they called the "Sleepyhead Service." It's kind of like church, but for kids who just don't want to get up that early. We ate hot dogs, played some games, and then watched part of a video called "Quest," in which a guy talks to various people on the streets, asking them questions (i.e., what was so significant about Jesus dying on the cross), and then explains it. We had the night to ourselves, so we stayed at the Station, ordered a pizza, and rented "Finding Nemo" (which I enjoyed).

Since I haven't said anything yet, allow me to mention this now: there was a total of 10 people on this trip, and only 2 of us were guys. Our leader was Julie Jackson, who had been to Chateauguay before on her internship, so she knew Teddy, Linda, and most of the kids pretty well. Her husband, Michael, who had also been there for his internship, couldn't make it, so his mother, Janet, came along as well (if you're wondering, yes, that would make them Michael and Janet Jackson). Then there was me, Tim, and six other girls. Nice odds, indeed.

We spent Monday cleaning up the Station and repainting one of the rooms. It was hard work, but I loved it -- it was a reminder what happens when God's people come together and work in service to Him. Then we went food shopping, ate dinner back at the Station, and then went to Teddy and Linda's house to watch a DVD of Julie's wedding (her and Michael were only engaged when they were working there last year, so everyone was excited to see the wedding, which was pretty recent). Did you know that in Canada, they have milk in bags? I know this seems out of place, but I just mentioned that we went food shopping, so this seemed like a good place to talk about it. I think they also sold it in plastic cartons, but nobody seemed to use them. Apparently, you would cut the corner off a bag, place it in a pitcher specfically designed to hold the bag, and then keep the whole unit in the refrigerator. I'm sorry, but that just seems so inefficient. And liquids in a bag? They didn't have any other liquids in a bag. If we start putting milk in a bag, where do we draw the line? Where does the madness end? Seriously!!! Where's the logic? Liquids go in solids!!!

Moving right along . . . we went to an area of Montreal called West Island on Tuesday (in fact, all of Montreal is an island), where we helped with the renovation of an old church building. The Montreal chapter of Youth for Christ had bought the building and was converting it to a youth center. That night, some members of our group taught Kings Club, which consisted of 3-9 year olds, and the rest of us did what we could to help out. Afterwards, we ate at Wendy's, and then spent time with our host families. I got home just in time to catch the last half-hour of Smallville, which was kind of cool, because it was the same episode I had seen the week before. After that, we played Monopoly until 10:30, and a good time was had by all of five of us. On Wednesday, we went to the Station to sit in on a meeting for Options. That afternoon, we did some more work at the Station, including a second coat of paint. Following dinner, the girls went to a weekly Bible study, and the two guys went to a prayer meeting at the church. Again, I got home early, but everyone was either out or asleep, except for my host dad, so I watched TV. Even in Canada, most of the shows I saw were American, including "The King of Queens," "Scrubs," and "M*A*S*H."

Thursday was spent touring Montreal. We visited some of the Catholic churches, which were simply breathtaking from an artistic and architectual standpoint. But it was quite intriguing to watch the people as they lit various candles, went through their rituals, and prayed to different saints. They were honestly seeking God, but their were so many obstacles in their way. All the churches we visited had a museum and gift shop attached to them -- it was almost as if they were trying to sell salvation, in the form of crosses, rosary beads, and tiny statues. I'm not trying to condemn them, but it was a shame to see such a misguided view of the Christian faith. However, the rest of our visit to Montreal was enjoyable. Despite the ridiculous traffic, we viewed the city from Mount Royal, drove past the Forum (the hockey arena where the Canadiens used to play), and the Bell Centre (where they play now). We also ate at a restaurant called Movenpick -- a buffet while you wait, if you will -- where my dad and I ate when we visited Montreal 3 years ago. After that, we walked through part of Montreal's complex and intricate system of underground shops. It's a like a giant mall, spread out underneath the city. Some of us took a ride on the metro, which is their subway system, and then we went to Old Montreal and bought some souvenirs. Thursday night, we taught the Young Peoples group (ages 9-13), for which I gave the lesson. Then we went back to the Station to hang out with some of the kids that we had gotten to know from the previous Saturday night.

On Friday, we cooked breakfast at the Station, then finished cleaning. We went out to the mall, and picked up some supplies for the Station, like cleaning products and towels. Before spending Friday night at the Station with the kids, our group went to one of the church members' house for tea and cookies, after which we prepared dinner for the staff at the Station. We went out for breakfast Saturday morning, packed up and said goodbye to our host families, had lunch at the Station, and then left for the airport. Customs was actually more complicated to return to the States, but we all made it through. Our flight left at 5:30 PM, and we returned to Chicago at 7:30 central time. Julie's husband, Michael, picked us up, and we eventually stopped for dinner at Wendy's yet again (if you're reading this Tim, it was the Wendy's on route 53, by your house, just so you know). It was a nice, quick, rainy drive home, and we got back to the campus at 10:30 PM.

So that was my trip to Canada. It really didn't go that fast, which was nice, because I had a blast. By the end of the week, I'd say I was ready to leave, but I didn't want to come back to school, partly because I didn't want to do homework again, but mainly because I really enjoyed being around the people in our group. But there will be more about that in my next post . . .

Posted 4:35 PM by Robert
I know I've been a slacker with updating this. And it's not going to get updated for another week, because I'll be in Canada on a school trip. Don't worry, I'll tell you all about it when I get back. But before I leave, I briefly want to conclude my last post.

As I mentioned, my former roommate Chris came back to Lincoln for a concert on Wednesday, the 25th of February. He was going to leave Thursday afternoon, but decided to stay and hang out. That night was our dorm's floor night out, so we went to Smokey Bones down in Springfield to have some awesome food and a great time. After that, we went to go see "The Passion of the Christ." Simply put, it was amazing. I can't say I enjoyed it, because I certainly didn't like seeing my savior attacked and persecuted, but it was a great movie. I honestly thought it would make me cry, but it didn't. However, I teared up at a couple of the scenes, and I cringed during the beating and crucifixion.

When the movie ended, it was just like people said it would be: the entire theater just sat there in silence, staring at the credits. The only sound was a few people crying. Even as the lights came on, I sat there paralyzed, unable to move. It took everything I had to put one foot in front of the other and walk to the car. And on the way back to the school, no one said a word. It was more than a movie, it was an experience. I tried to think to myself, "There's Jim Caviezel, playing the part of Jesus." But I just couldn't see the actors, all I saw was the story.

I later realized why I wasn't able to cry, and why I could barely move. The film was so moving and so intense that it forced me to focus every one of my senses on it. I watched, I listened, I cringed. All my energy was devoted to absorbing what was happening on the screen in front of me. And when it was done, I was drained, mentally and physically. I couldn't move. I couldn't think. All I could do was feel. I just didn't have the energy to cry.

The paradox of "The Passion" is that it's as real as the crucifixion could ever be to us, it's closer than we could ever imagine, and yet, it's still too much for us to comprehend. We will never experience what Jesus did on the cross, and we'll never understand the grace and compassion we've received from it.

Personally, I didn't find the film to be anti-Semitic in any way. I understand the tension involved with this issue, but people are still missing the point of this movie. The media keeps looking at the pointless trivia surrounding the movie. Nobody realizes the most important thing of all -- Christ died for us, and then rose again! As I watched Jesus get beaten, as I watched get nailed to the cross, I thought to myself, "You did that for me. You knew I'd be a sinner, and you did it anyway." There's no other way to explain it. It's just amazing.

There's no good transition from that point, so I'll just tell you that last Friday was pretty basic, and last Saturday, our women's basketball team won the regional championship (which LCC hosted). It was kind of cool to watch them cut down the net after the game. Our men's team also won their region, and as of yesterday, both teams had won their first game in the national tournament. I probably won't find out how they finish until I get back next week. Still, for me, this won't compare with winning the volleyball championshp. I guess I'm just a little biased.

Anyway, I've got to finish getting ready, since we leave in about two hours. If you wouldn't mind, please pray for our safe travel, and opporunities to be a bold witness for Christ. God willing, I'll be back next Saturday, telling all about my Canadian adventure.

Posted 3:06 AM by Robert
Happy Leap Day! You probably think I've forgotten about this. And you've probably done the same. I've been wanting to update this for a while, but I keep running out of time. A big reason is because I've spent a lot of time playing Tetris on my cell phone. I just got to level 10, with a score of over 27,000 points, my new record.

I said I was going to explain why I hate Valentine's Day, so I'm finally going to do that now. The basic reason is out of bitterness -- it's always been pretty lonely for me. I've never really had a date for a day that emphasizes love. But that's the second reason I don't like it. There's so much value placed in it that people seem to forget that love is an everyday thing. It's like we have to make a grand gesture on Valentine's Day to show our loved one's how we should always feel. Love in any form is supposed to be celebrated every day, but people seem to forget that and focus all their energy on February 14. And because of companies like Hallmark, love isn't just limited to 24 hours -- it's also commercialized. Now, love can be measured by the number of flowers, the size of a teddy bear, or the price of a card. I realize I'm overexaggerating a bit, but my point is that most people just don't get it. They spend Valentine's Day working to earn someone's love, but love isn't something that can be earned. It can only be given and received; it can only be felt. My best friend Chris put it this way: "It makes the people in love even more in love, and the lonely people even lonelier."

So that's why I don't like Valentine's Day. But that was two weeks ago, and life goes on. This past week for me has been pretty eventful, which I will now discuss, beginning with part one:

Starting with last Friday (the 20th), a bunch of us went to one of our fellow dormmate's house in Normal. There was Craig, Korean Dan, A.C. (my new roommate, who just moved in two weeks ago), myself, and Dan, whose house we went to. He cooked a fantastic meal for us, and then we rented "The Golden Child," starring Eddie Murphy. It was just a great night of hanging out and having a great time with friends. The weekend was pretty normal -- I spent it doing homework, sleeping, doing laundry, and watching TV. On Monday, we had a test in my Pentateuch class (in case you're wondering, the Pentateuch is the first five books of the Bible). But our professor didn't feel like grading any more tests, so he gave the class a group test. Assuming we all did the reading assignments, we received a 99 on it (out of 100). My classes were pretty standard on Tuesday, though there were some great episodes of "Scrubs" and "24" that night. Also, my mouth really started to hurt, and it still does. I think it's my wisdom teeth -- it's the third time since October that this has happened, and if this is like the last two times, it should feel better in a couple days. But I'm starting to think that I'll need to have them pulled this summer, when school's out and I have time to recuperate.

My former roommate and best friend Chris came down to visit on Wednesday, because we had a major concert event on our tiny little campus. David Crowder was here, along with Paul Wright and Telecast. It was awesome -- the concert rocked my socks, and we had a great time. Before the concert, Chris took off his pants (he was wearing gym shorts underneath them), and we hung them from the balcony in the chapel, where a group of us were sitting. We spent a good portion of the night asking each other, "Are those pants? Hey, are those pants?" The bands on stage never saw them, but some of our fellow students got a kick out of seeing them hanging there.

Thursday was a big day, which is going to require a separate post. But I would like to conclude this one with something that I've been thinking about the last several days. You'll recall that I came to the conclusion that I didn't really like this girl, just the possibility that she liked me at some point. Slowly but surely, I'm getting over her and moving on, accepting the fact that she totally ignores me and nothing will ever happen. Of course, there's still a part of me that wants the attention. Which led me to a thought: why should a girl I barely know mean so much to me? I've turned it over and over in my head, and I realized that there is no answer to it. There is no reason that she should mean anything to me, except for her being a sister in Christ. I know I wasn't attracted to her as a person, because I don't know her that well. And there's no way I could be attracted to her unless I got to know her better. The fact that I've come to this conclusion doesn't change anything for me, it's just an observation. Remember, a relationship is based on people, not just feelings.

The words of a song I started writing over two months ago are imitating reality:

"You're just a girl that I once knew,
No need to think that I belong with you.
You're just a girl that I can see
Anywhere except my dreams."