Posted 2:30 AM by Robert
I've been home from school for one week now, but I'm not sure how much I've accomplished. I unpacked my boxes and I'm almost settled into my room in the basement, and I applied for a delivery job at Domino's Pizza, but I haven't heard back yet. I played in our church softball team's game Thursday night (we won, 6-5), and I went to the DMV today to change the address on my license and register to vote in the upcoming election. Also, I finally got connected to the Internet. It's wireless, and I love it!

I guess I haven't totally wasted this last week. But that's not why I'm writing this entry. No, my reason for this post is a dream I had last night, and it went like this . . .

I was still at school, in the dorm with a bunch of these other guys. We were packing up and getting ready to move out, and I was cleaning my room. My roommate had already left, but for some reason, my first roommate still had all of his stuff on his desk, and I had to pack it up. While I was doing this, a girl who happened to be one of Megan's best friends came into the room, looked around, and left. Then, Megan came into the room, plugged in a vacuum cleaner, and starting vacuuming.

The fact that girl was in my room didn't surprise, as much as the fact that it was Megan. Apparently, it was Open Dorms, and a bunch of girls were in our dorm to help us clean (it was one of these times where you already knew what was going on without being told. You know what I'm talking about). And, for some reason unbeknownst to me, Megan chose to vacuum my room. I actually talked to her, saying hi, and asking her how things were going. I don't remember what her answers were, but somehow I was able to hear her over the sound of the vacuum. The dream ended after that, just like the school year -- without me asking her out.

Just having the dream was strange enough. I really haven't thought that much about Megan since I got home, which is a good thing. And as far as I can tell, this was just a dream, not a subconscious message. I'm not going to pay any more attention to it, unless I have another dream like it tonight. Then I'll assume that God's trying to tell me something.

Posted 3:26 AM by Robert
Here I am, sitting at my computer at 3 in the morning. School is done. I've finished my finals, and all that's left to do is pack up, load my car, and drive home. That means I'm here at LCC for one more day. One more day to talk to Megan. But I won't. Whether or not she likes me (though I think she does), she will be remembered as "the one that got away." It's likely that I won't see her tomorrow; I'm sure she'll be leaving at some point in the afternoon. I've considered e-mailing her at her school address, in case she checks it one more time before our accounts are erased in June. As I said before, the thing I'm most concerned with at this point is just telling her how I feel. But e-mail still seems cheesy. It's in the back of my mind, but I probably won't do it.

There's an old French proverb: "Plus ca change, plus c'est la meme chose" -- "The more things change, the more they stay the same." No matter what, things will be just as they are now. Philadelphia sports teams will always come close to a championship, only to fail. I'll always suffer through heartache and disappointment. I'll always want to say how I feel, but keep it bottled up inside. I'll always want to take a risk and do something bigger than myself, but choose to play it safe and take the easy way out instead. No matter what, I'll always be that person. It's who I am. But I don't want to be that empty shell of a man. I want to be something more.

Lord, I want to be something more. I need to be something more. At this point, I just need a miracle . . .

Posted 2:22 AM by Robert
No, no, I haven't forgotten about this, I've just been lazy. The times when I've wanted to update my blog, I haven't had the time, and when I've had the time, I haven't felt like it. Either I didn't know what to say, or I just didn't want to confront my own thoughts.

I should be in a good mood, but I'm not. Classes ended on Wednesday, and finals begin Monday. I've already taken two of them in class, so I've only got three finals left next week. Besides studying, I basically have nothing to do.

However, I'm kind of bummed out because I won't be seeing the guys in the dorm until next year (then again, I'm sure that the summer won't be long enough). On top of that, my beloved Philadelphia Flyers lost to Tampa Bay, and are losing the Eastern Conference Finals, 2 games to 1. We're so freakin' close to actually winning the Stanley Cup this year, but instead we're going to blow it.

I'm sure by now you're wondering, "What about that girl? Have you talked to her yet?" Come on, we all know the answer to this. No, I haven't talked to Megan. I've spent the last two months being a wuss and not talking to her. Actually, at this point, fear isn't the biggest issue. Of course, I'm still afraid, but the lack of time left in the school year is more of an obstacle.

I shouldn't be afraid to talk to her. As far as I can tell, she might actually like me. A couple weeks ago, one of the other guys in the dorm said that while we were at dinner, she kept staring at me. And I know he wasn't just saying that and pulling my leg. Yet I just can't get up the courage to talk to her. What more motivation could I need? There's a strong possibility that she likes me, and I'm running out of time . . . but I sit here and do nothing about it.

After another week, I'll probably never see her again. At this point, I can deal with not dating her. I'd like to at least be friends with her, and keep in touch through e-mail, or something along those lines. More than anything, I just want her to know that I like her.

When it comes to "love," I have nothing but failure, and it's mostly my own fault. I've only asked out one girl, and the timing was horrible. The timing was also bad with Megan, although, as I look back, I realize that I had all the time in the world, and I wasted it. I'm still wasting it now. But my point is, I'm either afraid to talk, or I have bad timing. I don't think those are qualities that the ladies desire.

I know, I'm whining about it. And I have only myself to blame. I really want to talk to Megan, just for a few minutes. But it would have to be in person. Calling her seems inappropriate, and writing her a letter seems creepy.

I need to go out on a ledge, I need to take a risk. The chance to tell Megan how I feel far outweighs the risk of looking like an idiot, so why can't I act on it?

At first thought, life sucks right now. But I really don't have any room to complain. Compared to most people, I've got it made. I mean, I know things could be worse. My question is, why can't they be better?